The Short Club - A Death Row Play in Twenty Hands - by Mick Collins
[As I was updating this multi-media theatre piece from the early Clinton years, I noticed, amid all the cries for a Free Tibet and to Save Darfur, how, if there's one issue that today's presidential candidates are less concerned with than the growing influence of Roman conventions in duplicate Bridge, it's the death penalty. The US Supreme Court recently voted 7-2 that 'lethal injection' does not constitute 'cruel and unusual punishment', and reinstated the death sentences of three convicts. I dunno, perhaps I just miss playing Bridge. And I know the game requires too much memory and concentration for the average Western thinker raised on Nintendo--many have suggested that I redo the play to involve the four condemned protagonists in a game of poker. But remembering how in 1992 Bill Clinton took time off from campaigning to sign the death warrant on an auto-lobotomized Ricky Lee Rector (and much later, toward the end of his second mandate, became the first chief executive to apply the recently revived federal death penalty against Juan Garza, a Mexican dope dealer, and Timothy McVeigh, the Lee Harvey Oswald of Oklahoma City--two executions he courageously handed off to his highly-seasoned switch-dropping successor), and how his much-scorned wife and her obsequious colleagues have so (un)scrupulously avoided the subject of ritualized domestic state murder in favor of effete posturing against its reflection in the pursuit of foreign wars: I thought it time to dust off the short club. --mc]
the short club
a death row play in twenty hands
by
Mick Collins
o
o CirqueMinime/Paris o
o
66, rue Marcelle
93500 Pantin
France
o
Copyright 1993
All Rights Reserved
[the play is dedicated to the memory of my first and best bridge partner, Don Kading—lucky at cards, unlucky at dope dealing]
“The road to hell is paved with Bridge conventions.”
--anonymous
SET: A room ENCLOSED IN WIRE MESH with no windows and one door UL. At C is a card table with four chairs (US [North], DS [South], etc.). An array of TV MONITORS displays the HANDS and other TRANSITIONAL VIDEO.
AT RISE: The first hand is seen on VIDEO MONITORS. The four players are seated at table, removing the pre-made hands from duplicate tray and arranging cards.
FIRST HAND:
NORTH (D)
SP: Q,10,8,2
HT: 7,6,3
DI: A,8
CB: A,Q,J,2
WEST EAST
SP: 7,5,4 SP: 6
HT: A,Q,J,2 Both Vulnerable HT: 10,9,5
DI: K,20,7 DI: Q,J,9,4
CB: 8,6,3 CB: K,10,9,7,4
SOUTH
SP: A,K,J,9,3
HT: K,8,4
DI: 6,5,3,2
CB: 5
EAST
He’s gonna make it safer by removing appeals? You get one
habeas corpus.
WEST
This is the fella who took time off in June to see to this brain-damaged hammer. . . . Nigger said he was gonna vote for him in November.
EAST
It’s like those lawyers in Frisco or those Marines in Beirut. You know? There’s no protection from guys who want it bad enough to die for it.
So who’s he scarin’?
NORTH
Dealer bids a Club.
EAST
There you go. . . . You said it yourself—
NORTH
Sorry, one Club. . . . Come on.
EAST
Naw, it’s too late—its’ done. . . . Call a misdeal.
NORTH
Will you please—you can’t call a misdeal. . . . Just play. . . .
You can ask partner what the bid meant if you must. . . .
Oh, Jesus, just bid.
EAST
Pass.
SOUTH
One Spade.
WEST
Pass.
NORTH
Two Spades.
EAST
Fuck. . . . Pass.
SOUTH
Four Spades.
WEST
Pass.
EAST
Really?
NORTH
Pass.
EAST
Oh, no shit. . . . Pass.
SOUTH
Well, my, my . . . it’s me, is it?
NORTH
(Reading off tray)
Both vulnerable. . . . Let’s see to this, partner. (To West)
Your play, love.
Players save their hands by playing cards on the table in front of them rather than throwing them in the center of the table, and placing cards vertically when they have taken a trick and horizontally when the trick has been lost.
SEVERAL BEATS.
WEST places card on table in front of him.
NORTH
(Laying down dummy)
Oh my. . . . Opens the four of Spades. When in doubt, lead trump, eh?
. . . (To South) Imagine my delight to hear your Spade. . . . I hope
this helps.
SOUTH
Real nice, partner. Thanks. Play low.
EAST
(Placing card on table)
Looks like we’re fucked here.
SOUTH
(Placing card on table)
Thank you.
NORTH
Partner is in his hand with the trump Ace.
SOUTH
(Placing card on table)
(To North) The Ace of Clubs.
WEST and EAST play cards. Players arrange cards: N-S up, E-W down.
NORTH
On the board.
SOUTH
(To North) The Queen of Clubs, please.
NORTH picks up Queen of Clubs and holds it in front of him on table.
EAST
(Slapping card on table)
Cover that bitch.
SOUTH
(Placing trump card on table)
Thank you.
NORTH
No Clubs, partner?
SOUTH
No Clubs, partner.
WEST plays card.
EAST
Motherfucker. . . . That opener was worthless.
NORTH
In your hand, partner. With the trump.
EAST
(To North) You have to do that? . . . Every fuckin’ trick?
SOUTH
(Placing card on table)
(To North) The Ace of Diamonds, please.
WEST & EAST play cards. NORTH picks up Ace of Diamonds from dummy, shows it ostentatiously, and places it vertically in front of himself on table. N-S up, E-W down.
SOUTH
(To North) Jack of Clubs, please.
NORTH repeats ostentation with Jack of Clubs. EAST places card on table. SOUTH places card on table.
NORTH
Goodness, partner burns a heart. (Really laying it on) STILL
no Clubs, partner?
WEST places card on table. Players arrange cards: N-S up, E-W down.
SOUTH
(To North) Play the Diamond.
NORTH picks up card and without ostentation places it horizontally on table.
EAST
(Slapping card on table)
Well, all right.
SOUTH places card directly, face down, horizontally on table. Players arrange cards: N-S down, E-W up.
WEST
(To East)
Go ahead on, but it’s too late.
EAST places card on table.
SOUTH
(Placing card on table)
I’ll give you two Hearts.
WEST
(Dropping cards)
Yeah.
SOUTH
(Gathering his cards)
Four Spades, vulnerable. Well done, partner.
EAST
(To West) What the fuck was that trump lead about?
What, you just couldn’t think of anything?
WEST
Sounded like they were long in the black suits, they’d be trumping the reds. I figured, maybe, I could cut down their trumping power. If he draws a second round of trumps, he doesn’t get the Diamond ruff—
EAST
Yeah, and you’d shit if you ate regular.
NORTH begins to write on score card.
NORTH
My, my, such language—at the bridge table.
BLACKOUT.
AT RISE: HAND 2 is on MONITORS. NORTH, EAST & WEST are in their seats. SOUTH’s chair is empty. EAST smokes.
HAND 2: NORTH
SP: A,Q,6,4
HT: 6,3
DI: 8,2
CB: K,Q,6,3,2
WEST EAST
SP: 10,3 SP: J,9,8,5
HT: Q,J,10,9,8 HT: 7,4
DI: K,10,7,3 Both Vulnerable DI: A,J,4
CB: J,4 CB: 10,8,7,5
SOUTH (D)
SP: K,7,2
HT: A,K,5,2
DI: Q,9,6,5
CB: A,9
SEVERAL BEATS.
NORTH
(To East) Must you?
EAST ignores him. Several more BEATS.
WEST
I don’t see why we can’t just sort our hands. . . . While we’re
waiting.
EAST
No sniveling. (To North) Right? No table talk, no sniveling.
NORTH
You’re disgusting. In every way. . . . When I think I couldn’t be
more sickened, you surprise me. You revolt me.
EAST extinguishes cigarette and blows last huff directly into NORTH’s face.
EAST
Come on. Be nice. . . . (ind. South) this must be his weekly shit.
Has to go after it with both hands and a teaspoon.
NORTH
Jesus, Mary and Joseph.
WEST looks at duplicate tray.
WEST
Both vulnerable again. . . . Wasn’t yesterday’s both sides
vulnerable?
EAST
That memory . . . what makes you such a great player.
WEST
Oh, fuck off.
EAST lights another cigarette.
NORTH
(To East) Oh, please.
EAST
I don’t smoke when we’re playing.
LONG MOMENT. After which SOUTH enters and takes his seat.
SOUTH
Sorry.
ALL take their cards from tray and arrange them. EAST continues to smoke.
NORTH
Back in Cookeville, at the Belmeade Club, there was this old woman,
maybe eighty, ninety years old, she and her sister—twin sister—
always played, every session. They never played together, never
partners or in a team-of-four—but played constantly all over Cookeville
and even down to Nashville. But this one, smoked constantly, and drank
cup after cup of black coffee. They all called her “the colonel”, just in a friendly way, like. Well, one day, one night, I think it was, she was fixin’
to play a petite major slam, or maybe it was no-trump—but right after
the third pass, she just keeled over stone dead—cigarette still burning
in her mouth. Well, they got the director to call her sister and tell her
“the colonel” was dead—died after bidding this wonderful little slam.
Only thing her sister said was “who’s playing her cards?” . . .
Your bid, partner, you’re the dealer, both sides vulnerable.
EAST
(Snuffing out cigarette)
Cookeville, huh? . . . The Belmeade Club?
SOUTH
One No-.
NORTH
My partner!
WEST
I can’t remember the last hand I bid. Pass.
NORTH
Two Clubs.
EAST
Lousy motherfucker. Pass.
SOUTH
Two Hearts.
WEST
Pass.
NORTH
Three No-trump.
EAST
Pass.
SOUTH
Pass.
WEST
Pass.
NORTH
(To West) Your lead.
WEST EAST
I know, I know. He knows, Jesus.
WEST places card down. Then NORTH lays down dummy.
NORTH
There’s your standard MJ/DK stiff Queen lead, partner.
EAST
Not in No-trump, douche bag.
SOUTH
Small Heart, please.
NORTH takes small Heart from dummy and holds it on the table in front of him. EAST plays a card. SOUTH plays a card. NORTH-SOUTH win trick, and players position cards: N-S up, E-W down.
NORTH
Partner is in his hand with that handsome King of Hearts.
EAST looks at NORTH in amazement and disgust. SOUTH plays a card.
SOUTH
(To North) Small Club, please.
EAST & WEST play cards and quickly place them in losing position. (N-S up, E-W down) SOUTH plays another card.
SOUTH
(To North) The King, please.
NORTH
He’s coming to me, you see him, he’s coming to the board.
EAST & WEST follow suit and again place their cards in losing position.
(N-S up, E-W down).
NORTH
(To North) The King, please.
SOUTH
(To North) Queen of Clubs, please.
NORTH picks up Queen of Clubs and holds it up showing it off.
EAST
(Playing a card)
Yeah, now’s the time to fuck around.
SOUTH plays a card. WEST plays a card.
EAST
What, no more Clubs, partner?
WEST
No Clubs.
Players place cards in front of them: N-S up, E-W down.
EAST
Now, whadda y’do? . . . Study long, study wrong.
BEATS.
SOUTH
(To North) Play a Club.
NORTH picks up card and immediately puts it in losing position on table.
EAST
Like I said— . . . Here we go.
EAST slaps down a card. SOUTH quickly places card in losing position. WEST places card on table significantly before turning it to winning position. (Cards placed: N-S down, E-W up). EAST slaps another card on table.
EAST
(Singing badly)
Oh, Jack a Diamonds, Jack a Diamonds . . .
SOUTH sedately placed card on table. WEST eagerly plays card.
SOUTH
(To North) Small Diamond.
NORTH quickly takes card from dummy and palces it in losing position. (Cards placed: N-S down, E-W up). WEST leads, again eagerly placing card on table. NORTH plays automatically, holding card on table in front of him.
EAST
(Slapping card on table)
God damn right.
SOUTH in one motion puts card on table then in losing position in front of him. (Cards placed: N-S down, E-W up).
EAST
(Slapping another card on table)
We got you covered. Partner don’t bullshit.
SOUTH
(Playing card)
(To West) You got the ten-seven, huh?
WEST
Behind your nine-six, uh huh. . . . I’ll give you the rest. . . .
That’s down one, vulnerable. . . . Nice defense, partner.
EAST
Fuckin’ A, nice defense. How ‘bout that Diamond lead, huh?
That make your chi-chis chime, er what?
NORTH
God, you’re as obvious as you are vulgar. Or maybe that’s the
same thing.
EAST
Hey, it’s not polite to talk with your mouth full—a shit! . . .
Come on, give us our due.
WEST
No, it was a great lead. But it was the way you led the suit, not
so much just the suit. You know? I mean, the Jack from the
Ace-Jack-ex. You know?
SOUTH
It was nicely done, nicely played. Really.
NORTH
Oh, stop, for heaven sakes. If you don’t let him (ind. East) in with
the Club, there’s no way they get four Diamond tricks. He (ind. West)
can’t win four Diamonds if you put him on lead.
SOUTH
Yeah, but how do I know that?
EAST
Yeah, but how does he know that?
NORTH
You get back on the board at the second trick. Play a low Spade to
the Ace-Queen. Then you play a low Club from the board and cover
what ever he (ind. East) plays, but don’t let him lead Diamonds through
you.
EAST
Oh, yeah! But how do he know that?
BLACKOUT.
AT RISE: HAND 3 is on MONITORS. All four players are in their seats, and duplicate tray is in center of table. WEST has an accordion file full to overflowing DS of his seat. EAST is sharing a cigarette with SOUTH. NORTH is reading a book.
HAND 3: NORTH (D)
SP: A,6,5
HT: A,8,6,5,2
DI: A,5
CB: Q,7,6
WEST EAST
SP: W,J,10,8,4 SP: 2
HT: 10 Both Vulnerable HT: K,Q,J,7,4
DI: 9,4,2 DI: Q,J,8,7
CB: 8,5,3,2 CB: J,10,9
SOUTH
SP: K,9,7,3
HT: 9,3
DI: K,10,6,3
CB: A,K,4
The players sit in SILENCE for SEVERAL BEATS.
WEST
I don’t know what we’re waiting for. . . . Why we don’t just start.
EAST
(To West) Take it easy.
WEST
I got things on my mind.
SOUTH
Why don’t we go ahead.
EAST
Jesus. . . . (Giving cigarette to South) Finish it.
NORTH
In the beginning we said dealer would start the hand. . . . Like at
a proper dinner, you don’t start eating—you don’t touch your utensils
until the lady of the table has picked up her fork.
WEST
Every time you’re ‘lady of the table’ you drag it on and on—like you
hold out just to make us mad. . . . Oh, come on!
NORTH
Oh, all right!
NORTH takes cards from tray, others do likewise. SOUTH puts out the cigarette. They arrange their hands.
EAST
(To North) And don’t worry—dealer or not, to me you’ll always be
the lady of this fuckin’ table.
NORTH
Please. . . . All right, MEN, dealer bids one Heart.
EAST
Is this some sorry shit? When, oh lord? Pass.
SOUTH
One Spade.
WEST
What else is new? Pass.
NORTH
One No-Trump.
EAST
This hand looks like a fuckin’ foot. Pass
NORTH
(To East) Are you aware you say that at least twice a week—
SOUTH
Three No—
EAST
(To North) Fuck you.
WEST
Pass.
NORTH
It wasn’t even amusing the first time you said it—Pass.—It is
so old—
EAST
Shut up! Pass.
NORTH
And twice a week—
EAST
(To North) Shut up. Three No-Trump. My lead. Just . . . shut up,
play the hand.
EAST plays card. SOUTH puts down dummy.
SOUTH
Hope this helps, partner.
NORTH
Nice cards, partner. (To East) Jack of Clubs. You’re sure, love?
EAST
It would be no trouble to add your name to my rap sheet.
NORTH
Oh my. . . . Play the King.
SOUTH picks up card from dummy. West plays card. NORTH plays card. They arrange the cards in front of them: N-S up, E-W down. BEATS
NORTH
So, I’m on the board, right?
SOUTH
On the board with the King of Clubs.
EAST
You’re so fuckin’ slow you gotta speed up to stop.
NORTH
At least three times a week. . . . Play a small Heart.
SOUTH
The three?
NORTH
That’s fine.
SOUTH takes card from dummy. WEST plays card.
NORTH
Oh, . . . and, . . . so’s that.
NORTH plays card. EAST plays card significantly. Players arrange cards: N-S down, E-W up. BEATS.
WEST plays card.
NORTH
The Bitch! Bet you’re bursting with Spades.
NORTH plays card. EAST plays card.
NORTH
Give me the King of Spades.
SOUTH takes card from dummy. All arrange cards: N-S up, E-W down.
NORTH
Give me the nine of Hearts.
SOUTH takes card from dummy. WEST plays card. BEATS.
NORTH
(To East) You going to ask?
EAST
Jesus . . . No Hearts, partner?
WEST
No Hearts.
NORTH plays card. EAST slaps card on table. BEATS.
EAST
(Considering) Mother . . . fucker.
EAST slaps down another card.
NORTH
(To South) Play a small Club. (To East) And you, don’t fret, y’hear?
WEST plays card. NORTH holds card up ostentatiously.
NORTH
Here she is. See her? . . . She puts me in my hand.
They arrange cards on table: N-S up, E-W down.
NORTH plays card.
NORTH
And the Ace of Spades.
SEVERAL BEATS.
NORTH
(To East) Careful, now, careful. Don’t throw the wrong card.
EAST
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck . . .
EAST plays card weakly.
NORTH
(To South) Small Spade, please.
SOUTH plays card from dummy. West plays card.
WEST
I hear the door creaking shut.
EAST
Not just yet. . . . This faggot’s not home yet.
NORTH
My, aren’t we bold. . . . Is that why you threw away that Diamond?
Girl’s best friend? . . . Well, here you are—here’s one for you.
Play the small Diamond, partner.
SOUTH plays card from dummy. EAST & WEST play card. All arrange cards: N-S up, E-W down.
NORTH plays card.
NORTH
King of Diamonds, please, partner. (To East) You like Diamonds
so much.
SOUTH plays card from dummy. EAST & WEST play cards. They arrange cards: N-S up, E-W down.
NORTH
And I’m on the board. . . . (To South) Play the small Diamond.
SOUTH plays card from dummy. WEST plays card.
WEST
Partner?
NORTH plays card.
SOUTH
No more Diamonds, partner?
NORTH
No, sir.
EAST
(Slapping card on table)
All right.
They arrange cards: E-W up, N-S down.
EAST
(Slapping another card on table)
Let’s see that Ace a Hearts.
NORTH
(To South) Anything.
SOUTH plays card from dummy. WEST plays card. NORTH plays card nonchalantly. They begin to arrange cards: E-W up, N-S down.
EAST
You got the Ace-eight. You dick eatin’, ass suckin’, motherfucker.
NORTH
And you have the Queen-seven—but SO much style. . . . Made it.
Three No-, vulnerable.
WEST
(To East) Nothin’ you could do. . . . Bet some people make over-tricks. Really.
WEST picks up his file-folder and EXITS. They watch him leave. BEATS.
SOUTH
I doubt that. It was well played, both of you.
EAST
No, he’s right. . . . This’ll be a middle board. . . . Some fuck-ups’ll make over-tricks—or set the hand—or some other fuckin’ thing. . . . No, this’ll be just another middle board.
BLACKOUT.
AT RISE: Hand 4 is on MONITORS. All four players are in their seats and duplicate tray is in center of table. EAST & SOUTH are smoking disinterestedly. NORTH is reading a book. WEST is going on to no one in particular.
HAND 4: NORTH
SP: Q,J,8
HT: 9,7,4
DI: K,5
CB: K,10,7,5,2
WEST EAST (D)
SP: 10,3 SP: A,5,4
HT: 5,3,2 Both Vulnerable HT: A,K,Q,J
DI: A,Q,10,9,8,2 DI: J,6,3
CB: 9,8 CB: A,6,3
SOUTH
SP: K,9,7,6,2
HT: 10,8,6
DI: 7,4
CB: Q,J,4
WEST
. . . We . . . were together . . . fifteen years . . . after her mama ran off.
. . . I could never, you know . . . love anyone . . . way I loved her. . . .
She was . . . just . . . really a . . . a part of me, really. . . . So . . .
beautiful, you know. . . . So soft and . . . sweet—smelled so sweet. . . .
And, she loved me, too, you know. She was real happy . . . with me,
you know, when we were . . . together. . . . I made her real happy . . .
yeah, real happy. Even after, you know, after we had to move—
go out on the road. . . . Long as we was . . . together, you know,
we was home—we had us a home. . . . Even . . . after that crank,
you know, even after . . . you know, we was doin’ a lot of runnin’ and
. . . well, she just let that crank . . . just take hold a her, you know, and
. . . well, when the thing went down . . . I couldn’t figger why she was
. . . I don’t know . . . why she was so mad, like, . . . like she was mad
at me, too. . . . And, you know, that scared me—you know, her mad
at me. . . . I could see her bein’ mad at Dewy and Maeve, you know—
bein’ mad at my partner, his ol’ lady—shit! . . . But I just loved her
so much . . . you know? And I was all fucked up too. . . . But she just
. . . just, fucked ‘em up, man. . . . Again and again. . . . And it was real
. . . I don’t know, you know, it was real weird, like, but we . . . got down
. . . right there . . . in that room . . . and we . . . had . . . we had us a time.
. . . I loved her right there. . . . There with the two of ‘em just, like,
I don’t know, watchin’—you know, eyes wide open an’ all. . . . I just
loved her an awful lot. . . . So when we got popped, well . . . well,
you know, she said that she’d been molested, like, you know, molested
and raped and all that . . . and I , you know, it was okay by me . . .
her doin’ that . . . you know, I kinda told her to do it that way—way
to save herself, you know. . . . After all, she got her whole life yet. . . .
I know she still loves me. . . . I know that. We were awful good together.
SILENCE, during which EAST & WEST put out cigarettes.
EAST
My deal, let’s go.
EAST takes his cards from tray, as does SOUTH. NORTH finishes the paragraph he is reading and takes his cards. WEST stays in his reminiscence for a couple BEATS then takes his cards. All arrange their cards in SILENCE.
EAST
Well, lookee here, lookee here, lookee here. . . . Club . . . one Club.
. . . First time in a long time.
SOUTH
Pass.
WEST
Hey, I’m sorry—talkin’ like that—‘bout that, you know?
EAST
Jesus, enough! Shit or cut bait.
NORTH
You are, sans doute, the Kahlil Gibran of this little olive grove.
(To West) Take you time, love, you must have a formidable
hand.
WEST
It’s not that, it’s –ah, one Diamond.
NORTH
Well, it’s about time. Pass.
EAST
I’ll say. . . . Two Hearts.
NORTH
Oh! Take my breath away. A jump-shift! Did you hear that,
partner?
SOUTH
Means fuck-all to me. Pass.
WEST
Forcing, right? Three Diamonds.
NORTH
Oh, I know what you mean. Diamonds have forced me to do—
ah, pass.
EAST
Three No-trump.
SOUTH
Pass.
WEST
Pass.
NORTH
Pass. So, three No-trump and vulnerable. (To West) Your
No-trump, so it’s my lead.
EAST
Fuck you! It’s my No-trump, and you know goddam well it’s
my No-trump. (To South) ‘s your lead. (To North) You’re a
cagey sumbitch. I know every word you say is some kinda
fuckin’ signal ‘tween the two a you.
SOUTH leads card. WEST puts down dummy.
NORTH
(To East) No wonder you’re in here, no trust. . . . Partner leads
the Spade six. . . . Seems like a nice fourth-high from his longest
and strongest—
EAST
Oh, shut up! Play small, partner.
WEST takes small Spade from dummy. NORTH plays card. EAST considers for several BEATS then plays card. Players arrange cards: N-S up, E-W down.
WEST
Sorry, there’s nuthin’ I could do.
NORTH
Never apologize. He forced you to bid. (To East) Am I right?
Never apologize. (To West) He let me win that to set us up.
(To South) Watch out, partner. (To East) You’re the fox in
this hen-house. Yes you are, Mister Foxy.
NORTH leads card.
NORTH
Now just watch Mister Foxy gobble up my little Club.
EAST
Mother . . . (plays card) fucker.
SOUTH plays card.
EAST
(To West) Small Club . . . well, either Club.
WEST plays card from dummy. Players place cards on table: N-S up, E-W down.
NORTH
Yours with the Jack of Clubs, partner.
SOUTH plays card.
EAST
(To West) The Spade.
NORTH
Oh—my—partner. (Plays card) Surely, this shall not pass.
EAST
Pain-in-the-ass-motherfucker.
EAST plays card. Players place cards on table: N-S up, E-W down.
NORTH
Thank you, kind sir. (Plays card) I just know you’re going to just
seize this—
EAST
(Playing card weakly)
This is hard enough without your mouth.
SOUTH plays card.
EAST
(To West) The Club.
WEST takes Club from dummy. Players place cards on table: N-S up, E-W down.
SOUTH
I don’t know what you’re savin’ that Ace a Clubs for. (Plays card)
Let’s see we can’t flush it.
EAST
(To West) Anything . . . small Heart, small Diamond.
WEST takes card from dummy.
NORTH
(Playing card)
Hmnn, mmmmn, hmmn, nmmn.
EAST slaps down card. Players arrange cards: N-S down, E-W up.
EAST
I don’t suppose I could get a FUCKIN’ break, on the FUCKING’
Diamonds.
EAST slaps down card. SOUTH plays card quickly. EAST hesitates, considers a few BEATS.
NORTH
Remember, eight ever, nine never. Now, you must have at least
three Diamonds in your hand to bid No-trump . . . no, well, that’s
not necessarily so, but—
EAST
(To West) Go up.
WEST plays card from dummy. NORTH plays card. Players arrange cards: N-S down, E-W up.
NORTH
(To East) That was the right play—the correct play. You’re going
down. But you did that right.
EAST
Thanks a lot. (To West) Play a Heart—any Heart.
WEST takes card from dummy. NORTH plays card. EAST slaps down card. SOUTH plays card. Players arrange cards: N-S down, E-W up.
NORTH
You don’t have to do this.
EAST
In my hand with the Ace of Hearts.
EAST slaps down a card.
NORTH
You have to give me my King of Diamonds. Eventually.
EAST
(To South) Just play.
SOUTH plays card.
NORTH
It’s a throw in—
EAST
(To West) PLAY the last Heart.
WEST takes card from dummy.
NORTH
Oh, for goodness sake!
NORTH plays card. Players arrange cards: N-S down, E-W up.
EAST
(Laying down cards)
Oh, fuck you, you get the last three.
NORTH & SOUTH arrange their cards in front of them.
SOUTH
Hey, down three. My count. . . . Good D, partner.
WEST
(To East) I’m real sorry ‘bout that.
NORTH
Down three vulnerable. . . . (To West) you have nothing
to apologize for. You bid just fine.
EAST
Yeah, you did fine, just fine.
Players begin to put their cards together and return them to duplicate tray.
SOUTH
There was just no fit for No-trump. (To East) You played it
the only way it could be played. . . . You both bid fine, just one
a those hands.
WEST
Yeah, but I’m sorry ‘bout talkin’ ‘bout my little girl—talkin’ ‘bout
my case like ‘at—like I was. . . . We made a rule an’ all.
EAST
Hey, fuck the rule. I just don’t like hearin’ that shit. Got nothin’
to do with no rules.
NORTH is writing on the score card that accompanies the duplicate tray.
NORTH
We just talk about Bridge. That’s all. It makes it easier—
more pleasant.
WEST
Just . . . lawyer told me, she got a modification. . . . She ain’t got
but eighteen months to the board.
SOUTH
Here we go.
NORTH
It would be nice if she could maybe say SOMEthing, to SOMEbody,
get YOUR situation modified. . . . Get you up out of HERE, anyway.
EAST
Yeah, or maybe, she gets out you can set up conjugal visits.
SOUTH
(To East) Don’t do this.
EAST
Anyway, you get your date, she can always come around here,
you know, hell, they won’t mind havin’ her watch ‘em drop
the switch on old dad.
BLACKOUT.
AT RISE: HAND 5 is on the VIDEO MONITORS. All four players are in their seats.
HAND 5: NORTH
SP: 8,4
HT: 9,7,4,3
DI: Q,8,3
CB: 10,7,3,2
WEST EAST
SP: A,K,6,3 SP: 10,7,2
HT: 8 E-W Vulnerable HT: A,6
DI: A,10,9,7 DI: K,J,6,4,2
CB: A,Q,J,9 CB: 8,5,4
SOUTH(D)
SP: Q,J,9,5
HT: K,Q,J,10,5,2
DI: 5
CB: K,6
SOUTH
Let’s start.
Players take hands from duplicate tray and arrange cards.
BEATS.
SOUTH
One Heart.
WEST
Double.
NORTH
Three Hearts.
BEATS.
EAST
Four . . . Diamonds.
NORTH
Lordy, lordy.
SOUTH
Pass.
WEST
Six Diamonds.
NORTH
Sweet Jesus, you and your Diamonds, pass.
EAST
Got those big ol’ cojones. I pass.
BEATS.
SOUTH
Bid . . . six Hearts.
EAST
What you say!?
WEST
Double.
EAST
Fuckin’ A.
NORTH
It’s all right, we’re not vulnerable. I’ll pass.
EAST
Oh yeah, you bet, me too.
SOUTH
Pass.
NORTH
Partner opened the Hearts. (To West) Your lead.
WEST plays card. NORTH puts down dummy.
NORTH
King a Spades. . . . Well, . . . this could get ugly.
SOUTH
(To North) Play a Spade—the four.
NORTH plays card. East plays card. SOUTH plays card.
Players arrange cards: N-S down, E-W up.
WEST plays card.
WEST
And again.
SOUTH
(To North) The Spade.
NORTH plays cars. EAST plays card. SOUTH plays card.
Players arrange cards: N-S down, E-W up. BEATS.
WEST plays card.
SOUTH
(To North) A small Diamond.
NORTH takes card from dummy. EAST plays card. South plays card.
EAST
Yes!
Players arrange cards: N-S down, E-W up.
EAST
Now we got ‘im, let’s just squeeze those big ol’ balls.
EAST plays card. SOUTH plays card. WEST plays card.
Players arrange cards: N-S down, E-W up.
WEST
You want me to think that Club King was stiff, huh? . . .
I don’t think so.
WEST plays card.
SOUTH
(To North) Small Club.
NORTH plays card. EAST plays card. SOUTH plays card.
Players arrange cards: N-S down, E-W up.
WEST
(Counting tricks) Let’s see, that’s down . . . four. . . . Huh.
What the heck . . .
WEST plays card.
SOUTH
I’ll give ya the Ace a Trump. . . . Down five. . . . Well, it was
A sacrifice.
Players show one another their hands, then put cards together and return them to duplicate tray.
NORTH
I’ll say!
SOUTH
I would a left him at four Diamonds, but when he went to six—
WEST
(To South) You double there, not raise.
NORTH
(To West) No, maybe your partner takes it to seven. Look at
his diamonds.
EAST
(To North) you don’t HAVE to suck his dick. You want to, go
ahead. I don’t go to seven—never. Hand doesn’t make six
Diamonds. (To South) You were figgerin’ makin’ that King a
Clubs good, only goin’ down four. That might a been worth it—
not really—that’s what—nine hundred—no, that ain’t worth it.
That was a bad sacrifice, my brother. A bad sacrifice.
BLACKOUT.
AT RISE: HAND 6 is on MONITORS. The stage is empty but for the table and chairs.
HAND 6: NORTH (D)
SP: 10,8,6
HT: A,5,4,3
DI: 6
CB: J,10,6,5,2
WEST EAST
SP: A,9,5 SP: K,7,3
HT: Q,7,6 Neither Vulnerable HT: K,8,2
DI: J,3,2 DI: A,Q,4
CB: Q,9,8,4 CB: J,10,6,5,2
SOUTH
SP: Q,J,4,2
HT: J,10,9
DI: K,10,9,8,7,5
CB: Void
SEVERAL BEATS.
SOUTH enters and sits in his chair.
SEVERAL BEATS.
SOUTH
Get away from . . . .
Get the fuck away from me. . . .
Get the fuck away from me. . . .
Get the fuck away from me. . . .
Get away from me. . . .
Get the fuck away from me. . . .
Get the fuck away from me. . . .
BLACKOUT.
AT RISE: HAND 6 is still on MONITORS. The players are in their places and the duplicate tray is in the center of the table.
HAND 6: NORTH (D)
SP: 10,8,6
HT: A,5,4,3
DI: 6
CB: J,10,6,5,2
WEST EAST
SP: A,9,5 SP: K,7,3
HT: Q,7,6 Neither Vulnerable HT: K,8,2
DI: J,3,2 DI: A,Q,4
CB: Q,9,8,4 CB: J,10,6,5,2
SOUTH
SP: Q,J,4,2
HT: J,10,9
DI: K,10,9,8,7,5
CB: Void
NORTH
I did this, let’s play.
Players take their hands from duplicate tray and arrange cards.
NORTH
It was the longest day. I really missed our little game—our little
bridge table.
WEST
Yeah. I figgered they were takin’ somebody to the green room.
EAST
Yeah, yeah. No. They will real soon. Any day now. Yeah.
WEST
Yeah. Either Tiny or—prolly be Tiny, for sure.
SOUTH
Could be anybody, man. Don’t put it on Tiny like that. There’s a
bunch a guys close.
WEST
Tiny be all right, he found Jesus.
EAST
Man’s right. Could be a lot of guys. . . . But, yeah, I know what
you mean ‘bout Tiny. . . . I got that feelin’ too.
NORTH
Thank you all for casting a deathly pall over this hand. In your honor,
I shall make no bid. . . . I pass.
EAST
Uh huh, uh huh, . . . pass to me? Bid one Club.
SOUTH
One Diamond.
WEST
Two Clubs.
NORTH
(To South) My darlin’, you’re telling them as well as me, and they can
do a lot more with the information. Again, I pass.
EAST
Yes, INDEED, my darlin’. . . . Three No-Trump.
SOUTH
I pass.
WEST
Pass.
NORTH
(To South) Forgive the pedagogue—I, too, pass.
EAST
Cut that shit out. I know you’re signaling with that ‘pedagogue’
bullshit—it’s my No-Trump—now cut that shit out. Pedagogue,
my ass.
NORTH
Just trying to keep it light. . .. You know why it’s better to leave your
kids with a pedagogue than a pedarast? . . . They’ll both fuck the children,
but after, the pedagogue’ll walk them to school. . . . Your lead, partner.
SOUTH plays card.
NORTH
Partner’s opening lead is the two of spades—thoroughly befuddling all concerned.
EAST
(To North) What would you take to shut the fuck up?
(To West) Small Spade.
WEST plays card from dummy.
NORTH
Ooooooooooooooooooooo.
NORTH plays card. EAST plays card. Players arrange cards: N-S down, E-W up.
EAST
I’m in my hand with the King of Spades. . . . I’m in my hand with
the King of Spades. . . . I’m in my hand with the King of Spades.
. . . Okay, so it all depends how the Clubs break. . . .
(To South) My brother, here, with his peda-god, whatever, Diamonds—
prolly got a shit-load a those fuckers—prolly real short on Clubs. . . .
Let’s do it this way.
EAST plays card. And before SOUTH can play . . .
EAST
(To West) Play the Queen a Clubs.
WEST picks up card from dummy. SOUTH plays card.
NORTH
No Clubs, partner?
SOUTH
No Clubs.
NORTH plays card. Players arrange cards: N-S down, E-W up.
NORTH
(To East) Nice play. You will acknowledge I was of some help.
. . . My comment, I mean.
EAST
This how you did it, huh? You talked your people to death.
WEST
You’re on the board with the Queen a Clubs.
EAST
Play a small Club. (To North) Gonna cover whatever your bring.
WEST takes card from dummy. NORTH plays card. EAST plays card. SOUTH plays card. Players arrange cards: N-S down, E-W up.
WEST
(To East) In your hand.
EAST
I AM in my hand. . . . Goin’ back to the board.
EAST plays card. SOUTH plays card.
EAST
(To West) Ace a Spades.
WEST takes card from dummy. NORTH plays card.
Players arrange cards: N-S down, E-W up.
EAST
(To West) Play a Club.
WEST plays card from dummy.
NORTH
(Playing card)
Here ya go, sweet pea.
EAST
(Slapping down card)
Oh yeah.
SOUTH plays card. Players arrange cards: N-S down, E-W up.
EAST
In my hand. My seven should be the boss Club.
EAST plays card. SOUTH plays card. WEST takes last Club from dummy. NORTH tosses down loser. Players arrange cards: N-S down, E-W up.
EAST
(Slapping down card)
Here ya go.
SOUTH plays card.
EAST
(To West) The Queen a Hearts.
WEST takes card off board. NORTH plays card demurely.
Players arrange cards: N-S up, E-W down. BEATS.
NORTH plays card.
EAST
That’s right. A fuckin’ Club still out.
EAST plays card. SOUTH plays card.
EAST
(To West) Burn a Diamond.
WEST takes card off board. Players arrange cards: N-S up, E-W down.
EAST
(To North) C’mon, you can find ‘im.
NORTH plays card. BEATS.
EAST
Jesus, the fuckin’ six a Diamonds. . . . FUCK! . . . I’m fucked. . . .
I gotta lose to the King a Diamonds and two Spades. . . . FUCK! . . .
Fuck you, fuck Omar Sharif, fuck Charles Goren, I don’t believe it.
Players show their cards and begin to reassemble hands.
EAST
Down one. Motherfucker!
WEST
That was nice how you set up the Clubs—got four of ‘em. Nice.
EAST
Right.
SOUTH
My over-call told you that, huh? That Spade lead was fourth-best
from an unbid major, you know?
EAST
(Ind. North) This no-good, dick-breath, fucked me up—covered
every finesse so I had to unblock the Spades. Fucking fucker fucked
me.
NORTH
Oh dolling, you didn’t have to unblock the Spades. You needed to set
up a second Diamond trick, that’s how you should have gotten to the
board, not with the Spades, my duck. . . . You can continue to tell
yourself I fucked you if it pleases you, but be fair, I did walk you to
school, n’est-ce pas?
BLACKOUT.
AT RISE: HAND 7 is on MONITORS. The players are in their places and the duplicate tray is in the center of the table.
HAND 7: NORTH
SP: J,9,8,4
HT: K,10,9
DI: 8,7,4
CB: A,Q,4
WEST EAST
SP: A,Q,7,3 SP: 5,2
HT: 4 Both Vulnerable HT: 6,5,2
DI: K,Q,J,10,2 DI: A,9,5,3
CB: J,10,5 CB: 7,6,3,2
SOUTH (D)
SP: K,10,6
HT: A,Q,J,8,7,3
DI: 6
CB; K,9,8
SOUTH
Why do you say that? Why don’t you just say what you
mean? Say “fucked in the ass” or “cornholed”—that’s what
you mean, right?
NORTH
Excuse me—
SOUTH
That word means so much, it don’t mean anything at all.
NORTH
Well, I don’t know about that—but you’re quite right, it’s
become quite flabby metaphorically.
SOUTH
Words like that are like over-indictment. You know what I mean? . . .
NORTH
Do I, ‘deed I do.
EAST
I caught a sodomy beef—
SOUTH
I mean—it’s like they charge you with so much you didn’t do,
you have to cop to a lesser charge, you know?
EAST
—got it reduced to being in arrears.
WEST
Looks like we’re both vulnerable again.
(To South ind. duplicate tray) . . . You see?
BEATS.
SOUTH
Yeah, I see.
BEATS.
EAST
My partner, Mr Vunderaful.
NORTH
(To East) I see now, you’re a comedian, in here for
murdering your audiences. . . . Am I right?
EAST
(To South) Just deal, man.
SOUTH
Fine
Players take their hands from duplicate tray and begin to arrange their cards.
NORTH
He’s quite right, you know. . . . There are quite dire
consequences to the death of metaphorical language. . . .
Especially where genteel euphemisms are the victims. . . .
Sexual intercourse—excuse me, fucking and sucking, have
for some time been politely referred to as “sleeping with”
someone. . . . Today, if you admit to sleeping with someone,
however literal your reference, you will be made to answer for
having fucked them in the ass with their own head. . . . Poetry
is either victorious or dead. . . . Or maybe both. . . .
SOUTH
I’ll bid one Heart.
WEST
Well, well, wellee, well, well, . . . I double.
NORTH
What did I do? . . . Redouble!
EAST
What the— (To North) That gets me off the
hook, right? . . . I pass.
SOUTH
Me too, . . . I pass.
BEATS.
WEST
Two Diamonds.
NORTH
(To West) You and Diamonds, what is that?
Zsa Zsa . . . Two Hearts.
EAST
Pass.
SOUTH
Four Hearts.
WEST
Pass.
NORTH
I pass.
EAST
Yeah, pass. . . . (To South) Your Hearts.
(To West) Your lead.
WEST
I know, I know.
NORTH
(To East) He knows . Jesus.
WEST plays card. NORTH puts down dummy.
NORTH
There’s that King of Diamonds, first crackerjack out the box.
SOUTH
(To North) Play a small Diamond.
NORTH takes card from dummy.
EAST
Well fuck, well fuck, well fuck, well fuck, well fuck,
well fuck, well fuck, well fuck, well fuck, me.
EAST slaps card on table. SOUTH casually plays card. Players arrange cards:
N-S down, E-W up.
NORTH
(To East) You beast, you bête. Ma bite noire. Over-taking
the King, tisk, tisk, tisk.
EAST (Playing card)
I just had this hunch. Partner knows this game, he don’t
bullshit.
SOUTH plays card quickly. WEST plays card.
EAST
PART—NER! Play the bitch!
SOUTH
(To North) Small Spade.
NORTH takes card from dummy. Players arrange cards: N-S down, E-W up.
WEST plays card.
EAST
PART—NAH! Ace o’ the base.
SOUTH
(To North) Small Spade.
NORTH takes card from dummy. EAST slaps down card. SOUTH plays card. Players arrange cards: N-S down, E-W up.
WEST plays card. EAST slaps down card.
SOUTH
(To North) Nine of Spades.
WEST
(To East) No Spades, partner?
EAST
Not a motherfuckin’ one.
SOUTH plays card. Players arrange cards. N-S down, E-W up.
EAST (Counting tricks)
One, two, three, four, down one. (Playing card) . . .
Now lessee if I was right.
SOUTH (Playing card)
Right as rain. . . . Very smart. (Revealing his hand) . . .
Rest are mine.
EAST
Yessur, yessur they are. . . . The hand makes I don’t go
up on partner’s King a Diamonds. I gotta start the Spades,
then get my ruff. . . . It’s all about time . . . you gotta just
take the time.
NORTH
An infinity of deadlines.
BLACKOUT.
AT RISE: HAND 8 is on MONITORS. All four players are in their places. EAST & SOUTH are sharing a short cigarette.
HAND 8: NORTH
SP: K,Q,5
HT: Q,9,3
DI: K,7,6,4
CB: Q,J,7
WEST EAST
SP: 7,6,3 SP: 8,4
HT: K,7,6,4,2 HT: A,8
DI: Q,10,8 Both Vulnerable DI: A,9,5,3,2
CB: 8,3 CB: 9,5,4,2
SOUTH
SP: A,J,10,9,2
HT: J,10,5
DI: J
CB: A,K,10,6
SOUTH
. . . and it’s on the line—any day now. General population’s
already on adminisatrative lockdown ‘count a that shit with that
film. . . . Those fuckin’ body-builders—what d’they think, man?
. . . Convicts gonna steal their fuckin’ movie ‘quipment—what,
trade it for cigarettes, and candy bars? . . . I think Tiny’s gone, man.
. . . Couple days.
WEST
Better do it, we want to get this hand in. . . . Both vulnerable—again.
(To South) Yours.
SOUTH
Yeah . . . okay.
Players take cards from duplicate tray and arrange hands.
SOUTH
. . . And, you know, Dumbarton’s cancelled all days off—
all leaves and such. . . . That fuck Squires’ slippin’ in and
out all up and down the mainline. . . . Snake motherfucker
—him and Dummy, this shit gets close, they act all tweeked.
. . . Man, I don’t like this. . . . Ah . . .fuck . . . one Spade.
WEST
Pass.
NORTH
One Spade, partner? . . . Two No-Trump.
EAST
(To South) You don’t like this? Sounds to me like you like
this a whole bunch. Pass.
SOUTH
You know what I mean. This situation—this preparation,
you know. . . . Ah, sorry, . . . ah, three Clubs.
WEST
Pass.
NORTH
Four Spades.
EAST
Pass, shit.
SOUTH
Pass.
WEST
Pass.
NORTH
Partner’s Spades, (To West) your lead.
WEST (Playing card)
Here ya go.
NORTH (Putting down dummy)
(To West) Fourth high from the unbid major?
SOUTH
(To North) Play the small Heart.
NORTH takes card from dummy.
EAST (Playing card)
Guess I better snatch that.
SOUTH plays card. Players arrange cards: N-S down, E-W up.
EAST
Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, here . . . you . . . go.
EAST plays card. SOUTH plays card. WEST plays card.
SOUTH
(To North) Small Heart.
EAST
All right, partner.
NORTH takes card from dummy. Players arrange cards: N-S down, E-W up.
SEVERAL BEATS.
WEST plays card.
EAST
Ah, fuck me!
SOUTH
(To North) Cover it—King a Diamonds.
EAST slaps down card.
EAST
Mother—fucker!
SOUTH plays card. Players arrange cards: N-S down, E-W- up.
EAST
Well, man, I don’t know what to do—what to think.
EAST plays card. SOUTH plays card.
NORTH
(To South) No Diamonds, partner?
SOUTH
No Diamonds.
EAST
No shit.
WEST (Playing card)
Sorry, partner.
SOUTH
(To North) Small Diamond.
NORTH takes card from dummy. Players arrange cards: N-S up, E-W down.
SOUTH (Exposing his hand)
We’re runnin’ late, huh? I draw trump and I got the boss Hearts
and four boss Clubs. Four Spades, vulnerable.
NORTH
(To South) Nicely played.
EAST
(To West) Why didn’t you lead back a Heart? . . .
I played high-low. That’s our setting trick.
WEST
I know, bad choice, sorry.
EAST
(To West) Damn! You know ‘bout high-low, right?
Damn, how could you do that? They should never make that.
WEST
I thought maybe you had another Heart, you know, like maybe
you had Ace, Eight and the Five, say.
EAST
(To West) No, man, you CAN’T think that, man. Our only
chance to set is to get that Heart ruff. You gotta come back
with a Heart.
WEST
Hey, I just guessed wrong is all
EAST
Yeah, I guess you did.
NORTH
(To East) Well, come on now, be fair. You knew he couldn’t
have more than six or so points. You could have told him more
certainly about your Heart ruff by telling him you were only good
for one Diamond trick and leading the Diamond Ace at trick two.
Then when you go back with your small Heart, he doesn’t have
to guess and he gives you your Heart ruff. (To West) Am I right?
That way you come right back with a Heart and set the hand.
No guessing. (To East) It’s like you said, you just gotta take
the time, remember? You can’t rush it. It’s all about the time.
VO
Exercise is concluded.
D Block return to your units
And stand for count. . . .
Repeat . . . Ex-period is over
. . . D Block . . .
BLACKOUT.
AT RISE: HAND 9 is on the VIDEO MONITORS. The stage is empty but for the table and chairs. Duplicate tray is in thecenter of table.
HAND 9: NORTH
SP: 6,4,3,2
HT: 9,8,6
DI: A,10,7,5
CB: J,9
WEST EAST (D)
SP: Q,J,10 SP: A,K,8
HT: A,10,3 Both Vulnerable HT: 7,2
DI: 9,8,4 DI: K,Q,6
CB: A,10,8,2 CB: Q,7,6,5,3
SOUTH
SP: 9,7,5
HT: K,Q,J,5,4
DI: J,3,2
CB: K,4
SEVERAL BEATS.
SOUTH enters with push-broom. He begins to sweep the floor. He sits in a chair and lights a cigarette. He smokes for SEVERAL BEATS. He rises and continues to sweep.
BLACKOUT.
AT RISE: HAND 10 is on VIDEO MONITORS. The stage is again empty but for table and chairs. Barely noticeable are TWO duplicate trays in center of table.
HAND 10: NORTH
SP: A,K,Q,10,5,4,2
HT: 7,5,4
DI: K,7,6
CB: None
WEST EAST
SP: J SP: 6
HT: Q,9,8,2 HT: 6,3
DI: J,10 Both Vulnerable DI: A,Q,9,8
CB: Q,10,9,8,4,3 CB: A,J,7,6,5,2
SOUTH
SP: 9,8,7,3,
HT: A,K,J,10
DI: 5,4,3,2
CB: K
VO
D Block Trustee report to the Duty Officer. . . .
. . . Repeat: D Block Trustee Report to the
Duty Officer.
SEVERAL BEATS.
SOUTH enters smoking a cigarette. He paces and eventually sits at table. He continues to smoke.
SEVERAL BEATS.
VO
The Trustee is requested to report to the Duty Officer’s
office on D Block. . . . Hey, Trustee, rush it to D Block
ad office.
SOUTH continues to sit and smoke.
BLACKOUT.
AT RISE: HAND 11 is on the VIDEO MONITORS. SOUTH is seated in North chair at table. He is handling three duplicaqte trays in center of table. He is smoking.
HAND 11: NORTH (D)
SP: A,8
HT: Q,5,2
DI: Q,9,8,7,6
CB: Q,5,2
WEST EAST
SP: K,Q,J,5 SP: 9,7,6,4,3,2
HT: 9,8 HT: 6
DI: K,4,3 E-W Vulnerable DI: A,J,10
CB: A,8,7,3 CB: J,10,9
SOUTH
SP: 10
HT: A,K,J,10,7,4,3
DI: 5,2
CB: K,6,4
After SEVERAL MOMENTS,
BLACKOUT.
AT SLOW RISE TO LOW STAGE LIGHTS: There is SOFTish PORNO on VIDEO MONITORS. There is the accompaniment of an incongruous sound track of BAD LATIN JAZZ and CLICHED DIALOGUE (e.g., “it’s so big”, “harder, faster, harder”, “this is so excruciating, I love it”, etc.)
After SEVERAL MOMENTS,
A POWER SURGE: Lights and porno pulse down then back up.
BEATS.
Off STAGE SHOUTS FULL OF ANGER, SORROW, FEAR, & PAIN:
Many shouts of “Tiny”, “I love you, man”, “My brother”, “Praise theLord”,
“Be seein’ ya”; OVERLAPPING, and soon OVERWHELMING these, are
shouts like “Fuck you, Dumbarton”, “Fuck you, Squires”, “Hey, Dummy,
suck my dick”, “Dumbarton, I fucked your mother in her ass”, etc.
This should go on for an uncomfortably long time.
BLACKOUT.
END ACT I.
ACT II
AT RISE: HAND 12 is on the MONITORS. SOUTH is alone on stage in his chair smoking a cigarette. There is a stack of four duplicate trays in the center of the table.
HAND 12:
NORTH
SP: A,Q, 4
HT: K, Q, 8, 3
DI: K, 9, 7, 5, 4, 2
CB: None
WEST (D) EAST
SP: K, J, 10, 8, 6, 3 SP: 9, 7, 5, 2
HT: 9, 6, 5 HT: A, J, 4
DI: 3 DI: A, Q, 8
CB: 10, 8, 3 CB: A, K, Q
SOUTH
SP: None
HT: 10, 7, 2
DI: J, 10, 6
CB: J, 9, 7, 6, 5, 4, 2
BEATS.
NORTH enters followed closely by EAST.
NORTH
Went from fourteen down to six. But I assumed it would.
EAST
Yeah, mine too. . . . Down to four. I don’t get how they do it.
Out of a fuckin’ hat er somethin’.
NORTH & EAST take their places at table.
NORTH
It’s not as though Tiny were low man by any means.
EAST
He was in the high twenties, wudn’t he? . . . Er, ah, twenty-three,
twenty-five, ‘round there?
SOUTH
Yeah, right. . . . He was seventeen, but yeah.
EAST
That’s not low. . . . Not low enough.
NORTH
It doesn’t really matter, does it? Not now. . . . It’s just numbers.
SOUTH
It would to me. It sure would.
EAST
Fuckin’ right it does. It fuckin’ matters a lot.
WEST enters hurriedly and takes his place at table.
NORTH
They don’t even represent probabilities. They don’t mean THAT
much. . . . Tiny demonstrated that.
EAST
Well, if Tiny was seventeen, how come we all moved up?
SOUTH
They don’t give all the numbers out— (To East) like your four might
be . . . boss, ya know? (To North) And yours might be next. . . .
They’re not all in order, ya know, in line. . . . Yeah, wouldn’t be
surprised that four be the low-ball winner.
WEST
It ain’t. . . . I got the ace. . . . Number one.
SILENCE.
NORTH
It’s all so much bureaucratic necromancy. Their little way of giving
magical substance to their otherwise hollow ministrations.
EAST
(To West) Hope that made you feel better cause I haven’t got a fuckin’
clue what he said. (To North) You’re gonna take the trouble to talk to us,
why don’t you speak a language we can understand?
NORTH
Sad to say, if I were to confine myself to a language you understand,
I’d have nothing to say—I’d be silent.
EAST
I could live with that.
WEST
I just don’t know I can hang on ‘til my little girl gets out. . . . This is
a whole new deal. . . . Tiny happened so fast . . . it’s like they jacked
up this whole scene—we all got a whole lot shorter, you know what
I mean? . . . It’s just . . . it’s makin’ me sick. . . . I feel sick.
SOUTH
(Ind. Trays) I saved all these boards.
NORTH
Yes you did, you dear boy. We best have at if we want to get caught
up. . . . Let’s see, (To West) top one is yours.
EAST
Short man does the honors.
BEATS.
WEST
(Ind. East) I don’t think I can play with him anymore.
EAST
Jesus!
WEST
I mean it. We gotta switch partners. I gotta have a new partner.
EAST
Jesus, what a fag.
NORTH
Now, come, come, we’ve been getting along ‘til now. . . .
(To West ind. East) I know he’s hard to take sometimes, but he’s
hard on all of us. Let’s start, you’ll forget all about this.
WEST
I can’t play with him. Not anymore.
EAST
(To West) You really are a chicken-shit motherfucker.
NORTH
Oh, that’s VERY helpful. Thank you very much.
SOUTH
Come on, why don’t we start a new game. Change partners, ya know.
(To North & West) You guys change places. We’ll start fresh. . . .
Come on.
WEST
Yeah.
SILENCE as NORTH & EAST exchange look.
NORTH
Very well. . . . Let’s just get on with it.
NORTH & WEST exchange places. (Henceforth they will be referred to by their new positions: WEST has become NORTH and NORTH has become WEST.)
WEST
So, now it’s my deal and I can start it. Good.
They all take cards from top tray and arrange their hands.
SOUTH
You know, Tiny’s old lady, Chrissie, you know, Dummy wouldn’t let
her in to see Tiny go out. . . . She had to stay outside with all the
demonstrators, ya know? . . . Dummy said their wedding wudn’t
valid. . . . Wouldn’t turn the body over to her neither. . . . That cold?
WEST
Dealt and pass.
SOUTH
She raised hell out there. . . . Real drunk, ya know? . . . She and her
girl-friend.
NORTH
One Diamond.
WEST
(To North) They seem to follow you where ever you go.
EAST
Double.
SOUTH
Yeah. Pass. . . . Ya know, Tiny—
WEST
Hold on, hold on. . . . One Spade.
SOUTH
Tiny shot a lot a dope in his life—
NORTH
Two Diamonds.
SOUTH
—they looked for ‘bout forty minutes for a vein, ya know?—
EAST
What the fuck! . . . Review the bidding.
SOUTH
Sorry!
WEST
Opened with a pass. (Ind. North) One Diamond.
(Ind. East) You doubled.
SOUTH
I passed.
WEST
Then I bid a Spade. (To East Ind. North) And two Diamonds
to you.
EAST
Two No-Trump.
SOUTH
Pass.
WEST
Four Spades.
NORTH
I pass.
EAST
Pass.
BEATS.
SOUTH
Pass. . . . (To West) Your Spades, right? . . . (To North) Your lead.
. . . But forty minutes, man. . . . That ugly fuckin’ Flip diggin’ around
in Tiny’s arm—
NORTH plays card. EAST puts down dummy.
EAST
That zipper-head’s no kinda doctor. . . . Bald-headed cocksucker.
WEST
(To East) Cover the King with the Ace of Hearts.
EAST takes card from dummy. SOUTH plays card. Players arrange cards: N-S down,
E-W up.
EAST
That fuckin’ fish-face, the last thing I see—that’s what scares
fuck outta me.
WEST
(To East) Play a little Trump.
EAST takes card from dummy. SOUTH plays card. BEATS.
WEST
(To North) You must ask. Your duty.
NORTH
Oh, yeah. No Spades, partner?
SOUTH
That’s right.
WEST
That is unfortunate.
WEST plays card. NORTH plays card. Players arrange cards: N-S up, E-W down.
SOUTH
They had to cut into him—right into his crotch—his groin, ya know,
to find a vein. . . . Big, deep cut right by his nuts. . . . To find a vein.
NORTH plays card.
WEST
It’s an artery, actually. The femoral artery. . . . (To East) Play
the four of Hearts. . . . But, yes, it is deep.
EAST plays card from dummy. SOUTH plays card. WEST plays card. They arrange cards: N-S up, E-W down.
SOUTH
That’s after forty minutes diggin’ up Tiny’s ditch, ya know what
I’m sayin’?
NORTH plays another card.
EAST
I kinda think they looked all over him, not just in ‘is ditch.
WEST
(To East) The Jack of Hearts.
EAST takes card from dummy.
SOUTH (Playing card)
Yeah, well, they said it was like a slaughter house . . . ya know
. . . so much blood all over.
WEST plays card. They arrange cards: N-S down, E-W up.
NORTH
Wait a minute. . . . They put the IV in in the death chamber?
WEST
God!
NORTH
I thought they did it before, in the Green Room, while you’re waiting’.
WEST
We’re trying to play bridge here.
EAST
Kid’s just bringin’ the bullshit off the mainline, the yard.
WEST
Look, I’ll give you the Ace of Trump—the Ace of Spades—the rest
are mine. . . . Making four Spades, vulnerable. . . . (To North) I’ll
continue to keep the score, if it’s all the same to you.
Players show their hands, then put their cards together and return them to the tray.
NORTH
Yeah, all right. . . . But hold on. . . . Damn, I was gonna double ya.
I shoulda set that hand, partner, we shoulda, anyhow. I gotta get my
King a Diamonds, or a third Trump trick, don’t I?
SOUTH
I think you get to me, only way I see, you get to me with my ten a Hearts
so’s I can lead a club to you to trump.
NORTH
Right. I led the Hearts wrong. Shouldna led the Queen then low—
shoulda led low, give (ind. West) him the third trick. Then when I get
my second Trump, I lead a low Heart to your ten—you lead back the
Club, down one.
WEST
You’re both exactly right. 20/20 hindsight, almost. However, if I refuse
the first trick, the first Heart, (To North) your opening King of Hearts,
you have no strategy to set the hand.
WEST has been jotting down the score and returns score-card to tray and puts tray on bottom of stack.
HAND 11 replaces HAND 12 on TV MONITORS.
HAND 11: NORTH (D)
SP: A, 8
HT: Q, 5, 2
DI: Q, 9, 8, 7, 6
CB: Q, 5, 2
WEST EAST
SP: K, Q, J, 5 SP: 9, 7, 6, 4, 3, 2
HT: 9, 8 E-W Vulnerable HT: 6
DI: K, 4, 3 DI: A, J, 10
CB: A, 8, 7, 3 CB: J, 10, 9
SOUTH
SP: 10
HT: A, K, J, 10, 7, 4, 3
DI: 5, 2
CB: K, 6, 4
WEST inspects the duplicate tray on top of stack.
WEST
Let’s see, this one is (ind. North) yours. (To East) We’re vulnerable.
All look at NORTH.
NORTH
Is ever’body watchin’ when they put in that IV—your family an’ all?
BEATS.
SOUTH
I don’t know, really—
EAST
See, he don’t know.
SOUTH
But they got curtains, an’ all. An’ they don’t pull those curtains ‘til
they’re all ready—‘til they’re good ‘n’ ready. ‘Til Dummy reads the
warrant—or Squires, or whoever-the-fuck-ever ‘spose to read it.
Then’s when they lift the curtain so’s your people can see ya.
WEST
We’ve got three more hands, we should start. . . . This is supposed to
be about Bridge, and that’s all.
NORTH (Taking cards from tray)
Right. . . . You’re right.
The others take out their cards and arrange hands.
SOUTH
Funny, huh? You’re lyin’ there, they pull those curtains—you’re lyin’
there so’s you gotta tilt your head back t’see your people. Last time ya
see ‘em, they upside down. . . . Huh?
WEST
I’m telling you these new numbers mean nothing—nothing at all.
EAST
We all had lower numbers’n Tiny. They don’t mean shit.
NORTH
Pass.
EAST
Just like this fuckin’ hand. Pass.
SOUTH
We’re not vulnerable, huh? You guys are. . . . Four Hearts.
WEST
How interesting. Pass.
NORTH
Yessir. Pass.
EAST
If by “interesting” you mean fucked up—I pass. . . . Your lead,
partner.
WEST plays card. NORTH puts down dummy.
SOUTH
(To North) Play the Ace a Spades.
NORTH takes card from dummy. EAST plays card. SOUTH plays card. They arrange cards: N-S up, E-W down.
SOUTH
(To North) Last guy had number one, got commuted to life-without.
Play small Diamond. . . . They shot him right back to population.
NORTH takes card from dummy.
EAST (Playing card)
(To North) Yeah, don’t let that number spook ya. You didn’t kill
anybody anyway, right?
SOUTH plays card.
WEST (Playing card)
Please, let’s just play cards.
They arrange cards: N-S down, E-W up.
EAST (Playing card)
(To North) Was your little girl, right? Did the actual killin’ . . .
(To West) there’s your Spades back, partner. . . . (To North)
You just didn’t want to snitch ‘er off, huh?
SOUTH (Playing card)
Hey, you guys.
NORTH
No Spades, partner?
WEST (Playing card)
Duh? . . . (To East) Leave him alone and pay attention.
NORTH takes Spade from dummy. They arrange cards: N-S up, E-W down.
SOUTH (Playing card)
Let’s send these Diamonds ‘round again.
WEST plays card.
SOUTH
(To North) Any Diamond—small.
NORTH takes card from dummy.
EAST (Slapping down card)
I just hate to see ‘em sweatin’ an innocent man. . . . Just ‘cause he
fucked a kid—least it was ‘is own kid. They cain’t top ya off for that.
They arrange cards: N-S down, E-W up.
EAST (Slapping down card)
Last I heard, that was the only good reason to have girl children. . . .
(To West) See if ya like these Clubs better.
SOUTH plays card. WEST plays card.
SOUTH
(To North) Queen a Clubs.
NORTH takes card from dummy. They arrange cards: N-S up, E-W down.
SOUTH
I’m on the board with the Queen a Clubs. (To North) Play a Diamond.
NORTH takes card from dummy.
EAST (Playing card)
Ah, fuck!
SOUTH plays card. BEATS.
WEST
(To North) I’m not going to play until you ask.
NORTH
Sorry. (To South) No more Diamonds, partner?
SOUTH
Yeah, that’s right.
WEST plays card. They arrange cards: N-S up, E-W down.
SOUTH
I got the rest. Draw trump. Dump my Clubs on my Diamonds.
Make an overtrick.
They gather their cards in front of them.
WEST
You see, that’s why we don’t talk about anything but Bridge.
EAST
What the fuck! What was I suppose to do? I returned your fuckin’
Spades. What was I suppose to do?
WEST
You were supposed to pay attention to the hand—the whole hand—
the bidding AND the play. Instead of brow beating our friend, here.
BEATS.
EAST
You’re talkin’ ‘bout leadin’ the Clubs back ‘stead a your Spades?
How am I ‘spose to guess that?
WEST
You have to concentrate—on the game. You must figure (ind. South)
him for the King of Clubs. If I’d had it, I would have led it—and I
would have doubled his four Heart bid. Looking at your Spades, you
have to figure his ten is a singleton. You must set up the Club tricks—
oh . . . why do I bother.
EAST
Look, . . . just score it and let’s do the next one. Fuck it.
WEST
Fuck it, indeed.
They return their cards to the duplicate tray. WEST writes down the score on card and returns it to tray. WEST puts tray on bottom of stack.
HAND 10 replaces HAND 11 on MONITORS.
HAND 10: NORTH
SP: A, K, Q, 10, 5, 4, 2
HT: 7, 5, 4
DI: K, 7, 6\
CB: None
WEST EAST
SP: J SP: 6
HT: Q, 9, 8, 2 HT: 6, 3
DI: J, 10 Both Vulnerable DI: A, Q, 9, 8
CB: Q, 10, 9, 8, 4, 3 CB: A, J, 7, 6, 5, 2
SOUTH (D)
SP: 9, 8, 7, 3
HT: A, K, J, 10
DI: 5, 4, 3, 2
CB: K
They all inspect tray.
SOUTH
My deal.
NORTH
Both vulnerable again.
They all take their cards from tray and arrange cards.
SOUTH
Ya know, Tiny claimed he was innocent. All the way home, I hear say.
. . . I even think Dummy believed . . . for a long time he believed Tiny
didn’t do the actual killin’. . . . I guess he just figgered Tiny wouldn’t
give up the biker who did it, ‘count a honor among bikers, er somethin’,
so he was doin’ what Tiny wanted killin’ ‘im. . . . I don’t know—it don’t
really make sense to me. An’ then not lettin’ Chrissie see ‘im er claim
the body er nothing’ . . . shit . . . guess I pass.
WEST
No bid here.
NORTH
Four Spades.
EAST
Jesus, didn’t we just do this? Pass.
SOUTH
I pass.
WEST
And I pass. . . . Let’s see, . . . your lead, partner.
EAST (Playing card)
Uh huh. How ‘bout puppy tracks. The bullet.
SOUTH puts down dummy.
NORTH
(To South) Play the King.
SOUTH (Taking card from dummy)
Cain’ do anythin’ else.
WEST plays card. NORTH plays card with authority.
SOUTH
(To North) Jesus, partner, no Clubs?
NORTH
Not unless I got one stuck up here ‘ith the Spades. . . . Nope.
They arrange cards: N-S up, E-W down. NORTH plays card. EAST plays card.
NORTH
(To South) Small Spade.
SOUTH takes card from dummy. WEST plays card. They arrange cards: N-S up, E-W down.
NORTH
That’s the Trumps. Now . . . let’s see ‘bout these . . . Hearts.
NORTH plays card. EAST plays card immediately.
NORTH
(To South) Ten a Hearts.
WEST plays card.
NORTH
Fuck my luck!
They arrange cards: N-S down, E-W up.
WEST (Playing card)
Your beloved Diamonds.
NORTH plays card uncertainly. EAST slaps card down.
EAST
He just don’t want his “beloved” Diamonds this time, pahtnah.
NORTH
(To South) Small Diamond.
SOUTH takes card from dummy. They arrange cards: N-S down, E-W up.
WEST
Still me with the Jack, right? . . . Well, try, try again.
WEST plays card.
EAST
(To North) You can pay me now, er you can pay me later.
NORTH plays card weakly. EAST slaps down card then immediately slaps down another.
EAST
All right, give it up! God dammit!
WEST
(To East) Why must you be so . . .
NORTH
(To South) Diamonds, er, ah play both Diamonds, shit . . .
SOUTH takes cards from dummy. They arrange cards: N-S down, E-W up.
EAST
(To West) . . . so WHAT? I set the fuckin’ contract, didn’t I—er
‘scuse me, WE set the fuckin’ contract. What’s your whine this
time?
NORTH
The rest are mine, right?
EAST
Yessiree, all the tricks but four are yourn. That’s right. . . . And
don’t go feelin’ too bad, now, you’re just the victim a supereerior
defense. . . . Am I right, pudnah?
SOUTH
It’s tough to make those third hand, shut-out, game bids when
you’re vulnerable, ya know what I’m sayin’?
NORTH
Guess I’m a little outta my head.
WEST
You know, I think you can make the hand. (To East) Oh, mind you,
partner, your defense was splendid—in its simplicity, more than
anything else. (To North) If you throw a Heart on the first trick, you
know, (ind. East) his Ace of Clubs, instead of trumping, as you did,
in your hand, you keep me out of the lead so I can’t lead the Diamonds
through you. And partner has to set up your hearts or give you your
King of Diamonds. . . . It’s not nearly so easy to see that before the
hand is played, however.
EAST
I don’t know how you remember this shit.
WEST
My memory . . .
They reassemble their hands and return them to the tray. WEST notes the score and places the board at the bottom of the stack.
HAND 9 replaces HAND 10 on VIDEO MONITORS.
HAND 9: NORTH
SP: 6, 4, 3, 2
HT: 9, 8, 6
DI: A, 10, 7, 5
CB: J, 9
WEST EAST
SP: Q, J, 10 SP: A, K, 8
HT: A, 10, 3 Both Vulnerable HT: 7, 2
DI: 9, 8, 4 DI: K, Q, 6
CB: A, 10, 8, 2 CB: Q, 7, 6, 5, 3
SOUTH
SP: 9, 7, 5
HT: K, Q, J, 5, 4
DI: J, 3, 2
CB: K, 4
They all refer to top duplicate tray in center of table.
SOUTH
Well, this is the last one we got ‘fore Tiny.
NORTH
Things seem real different now.
WEST
Well, I should say. You’re sitting at the head of the table now.
. . . The North Pole—top of the world.
EAST
Yeah, you’re the center of attention now.
SOUTH
That’s such bullshit, that North-South shit—that North-South-
East-West shit. Top a the world, bottom a the world. . . . How
dumb you have to be to see things like that. . . . It’s all circles,
man. No top an’ bottom.
WEST
Easy now, my ears are starting to pop.
EAST
Fuck does that mean?
BEATS.
NORTH
E’rything’s real strange now. . . . Like before . . . like I never
been here before. . . . This room . . . any a you guys . . . it gets
my stomach real bad.
WEST
(To South) It’s your deal, come on. (To North) You’ll re-acclimate,
not to worry. Come on, time is precious and short.
EAST
(Taking cards from tray)
So’s you dick.
They take cards from tray and arrange hands.
WEST
The sun’s rising is not so predictable.
NORTH
I don’t think I can do this any more.
SOUTH
We got one more hand.
EAST
(To North) Hey, man, un-lax, ya got yerself all dis-come-bood-
a-lated. . . . Come on, thirteen points t’open. Don’t open no
four-card majors. Sixteen t’eighteen no-trump—
WEST
Fifteen. . . . Fifteen to eighteen. No-trump. I prefer a little weaker,
a little wider No-trump.
NORTH
You guys act like this is all there is. My mind’s goin’ all o’er the place.
It’s runnin’. . . . Cain’t believe they killed ‘im. . . . Never thought they
would, you know?
SOUTH
Let’s play . . . I pass.
EAST
(To North) Look, you ain’t goin’ anywhere—none a us are. . . .
We’re all waitin’. . . . Hell, I didn’t think they’d do Tiny my own
self. . . . Ain’t no way to tell what those motherfuckers are gonna do.
You just gotta kick back . . . don’t let ‘em get to ya.
NORTH
But I didn’t do nuthin’ to get here. . . . A whole bunch a shit just
happened, but it all went down around me, like, I just kinda watched it
all. . . . Watchin’ e’rybody actin’ crazy—outta control—
EAST
Don’t really matter what we did er didn’t do—now—here we are.
Where we sit it ain’t hard to make a case to get ya off. Kinda shit
goin’ on in the world—make the baddest motherfucker in here look
like a punk. . . . Shit, what’s a few chickenshit armed robberies
compared to Reagan-Bush.
WEST
Somebody wire Amnesty-International, we have a political detainee
here. . . . I pass, as well.
EAST
(To West) You can kiss my pimply ass—just stick this right in that big,
flabby mouth. (To North) They gonna do whatever they do. Nothin’
we can do ‘bout it, my man. Nothin’ but bid the motherfuckin’ hand.
Two passes to you, Ace.
SILENCE.
NORTH
Cold blooded. . . . Pass.
EAST
Yes it is. One Club.
SOUTH
(To East) Those people you killed—any of ‘em—in ANY WAY—
they deserve to die? . . . Huh?
EAST
(To South) Don’t go bringin’ this shit into the game—bid or pass—
dumb shit.
SOUTH
(To East & West) Neither you guys ever talk ‘bout beatin’ Dummy—
or maybe why you should. . . . I mean, partner’s got a righteous case—
WEST
(To South) You REALLY don’t want to get into this—not here, not
now. . . . It’s one Club to you. . . . If we can breeze through this hand,
we can have a little AA meeting after. . . . Now, be a good boy and bid.
SOUTH
One Club to me? . . . One Heart.
WEST
Two No-trump.
NORTH
Pass.
EAST
Review the bidding: Three passes, I open one Club; (Ind. South)
one Heart; (Ind. West) two No-; (Ind. North) and a Laurel and
hearty pass to me. . . . Three No-.
SOUTH
I pass.
WEST
Pass.
NORTH
Pass.
EAST
Your No-trump, pudnah. (To North) Your lead.
NORTH plays card. EAST puts down dummy.
WEST
(To East) Play small Heart.
EAST plays card from dummy. SOUTH plays card. WEST plays card. They arrange cards: N-S up, E-W down.
SOUTH (Playing card)
Oh yeah? Let’s try ‘em again.
WEST plays card. NORTH plays card.
WEST
(To East) The Heart.
EAST takes last Heart from dummy. They arrange cards: N-S up, E-W down.
SOUTH (Playing card)
Bet I flush that Ace this time.
WEST plays card. NORTH plays card.
WEST (Putting card on table)
(To East) The King of Spades, please.
EAST takes King of Spades out of dummy. NORTH plays card. SOUTH plays card. They arrange cards: N-S down, E-W up.
WEST
I’m on the board with the King of Spades. . . . (To East) Play
the Queen of Clubs, please.
EAST takes Queen of Clubs out of dummy.
SOUTH (Playing card with force)
Honor on an honor!
WEST (Playing card)
What I insist on.
NORTH (Playing card)
Me too, I’m afraid.
WEST
(To North) Well, my troubled friend, the Jack of Clubs—
what a surprise—not an altogether unpleasant surprise.
They arrange cards: N-S down, E-W up.
WEST (Playing card)
Let’s see. . . . In my hand going to the board. (To East)
Play the Ace of Spades, please.
NORTH plays card. EAST takes Ace of Spades off the board. SOUTH plays card. They arrange cards: N-S down, E-W up.
WEST
(To East) Now, play a small Club, please.
EAST takes small Club off the board. SOUTH plays card.
WEST (Playing card)
Now for a deep finesse with the eight of Clubs.
NORTH plays card. SILENCE.
WEST
(To North) You false carded. How lovely. Jack-nine, indeed.
You fooled me completely. What presence—in your mood—
I salute you.
They arrange cards: N-S up, E-W down. NORTH plays card.
WEST
(To North) You know how to play this game. (To East) The last
Spade, please.
EAST takes the last Spade from dummy. SOUTH plays card. WEST plays card. They arrange cards: N-S down, E-W up.
WEST
So . . . I’m in my hand with a Spade. (To North) That really cut the
heart out of me. . . . I don’t know what to do. . . . I have to give you
the Ace of your beloved Diamonds and you have the thirteenth Spade.
. . . Bravo! Down one. . . . And to think you didn’t want to play this
hand. Indeed!
BLACKOUT.
AT RISE: HAND 13 is on MONITORS. All four are in their places, NORTH & SOUTH have their cards in their hands and are arranging them, EAST & WEST have not removed their cards from duplicate tray in the center of the table.
HAND 13: NORTH
SP: A, J, 10, 9
HT: 8, 2
DI: J, 9, 4, 3
CB: A, 6, 3
WEST (D) EAST
XXX E-W Vulnerable XXX
SOUTH
SP: 8, 7, 5
HT: J, 10, 9, 6, 3
DI: Q, 10, 6
CB: 9, 7
NORTH
The heck you doin’?
SOUTH
Come on, don’ fuck around. (To West) It’s your start.
EAST
We’re gonna bid ‘em like ‘is.
SOUTH
The fuck . . . !
WEST
We’ve declared our frequent use of psychic bids on our
convention cards.
NORTH
Psychic, huh? You vulnerable here, you know.
EAST
Damn right. Me ‘n’ pat-ne ur hooked up.
SOUTH
This is bullshit. Play your goddam cards. . . . Er I’m tossin’
mine in.
WEST
Now, now, no need for such terror. Watch. One Club – see
how easy?
NORTH
Well, goddam. . . . I pass.
EAST
I’m a psychotic biddin’ motherfucker too, boy. Bid a Heart.
SOUTH
What’s the fuckin’ use. Pass
WEST
One Heart, you say, partner . . . Well . . . then . . . one No-trump.
NORTH
I pass.
EAST
Uh huh, uh huh, well . . . let’s cut to the come-shot. Three No-.
SOUTH
This is such bullshit. I pass.
WEST
Oh, I pass.
NORTH
Pass. (To West) Your No-trump, right? My lead.
NORTH plays card. Only then does EAST take cards from duplicate tray and arrange dummy. EAST hand appears on MONITORS.
HAND 13: EAST
SP: K, Q, 2
HT: A, K, 7, 4
DI: 8, 7, 5
CB: J, 8, 2
EAST
Well, damn. . . . Shoulda been in the circus. Cover that Jack a
Spades, potna?
WEST
No, duck it, please.
EAST
You sure? Honor on a honor an’ all that.
WEST
Quite sure, play low.
EAST plays two of Spades from dummy. SOUTH plays card. Only then does WEST take cards from tray and arrange them. West hand appears on MONITORS completing HAND 13.
HAND 13: NORTH
SP: A, J, 10, 9
HT: 8, 2
DI: J, 9, 4, 3
CB: A, 6, 3
WEST (D) EAST
SP: 6, 4, 3 E-W Vulnerable SP: K, Q, 2
HT: Q, 5 HT: A, K, 7, 4
DI: A, K, 2 DI: 8, 7, 5
CB: K, Q, 10, 5, 4 CB: J, 8, 2
SOUTH
SP: 8, 7, 5
HT: J, 10, 9, 6, 3
DI: Q, 10, 6
CB: 9, 7
EAST
Damn.
NORTH
You guys are jackin’ off.
EAST
I believe duckin’ that Spade’s a bad play with your eyes
wide open.
WEST plays small Spade from his hand. Players arrange the cards: N-S up, E-W down.
WEST
I don’t think so, mon ami.
NORTH plays a low Spade.
WEST
(To East) Now cover.
EAST (Chuckling)
Fuck me.
EAST takes King of Spades from dummy. SOUTH plays Spade as does WEST. They arrange cards: N-S down, E-W up.
WEST
Let’s see, I’m on the board. . . . Play a small Club, s’il te plait.
EAST (Taking Club off board)
Jesus, you’re playin’ like your cards are still in the tray.
SOUTH plays Club.
WEST (Playing big Club)
Oh ye of little faith.
NORTH plays Ace of Clubs.
EAST
There’s your faith.
They arrange cards: N-S up, E-W down. NORTH plays Ace of Spades.
EAST (Taking last Spade off the board)
There’s a little more.
SOUTH plays Spade. WEST plays Spade. They arrange cards: N-S up, E-W down. NORTH plays last Spade.
EAST
Little more.
WEST
(To East) Sluff a heart, please.
EAST takes Heart off the board. SOUTH sluffs Heart. WEST sluffs Club. They arrange cards: N-S up, E-W down.
BEATS. NORTH plays card.
WEST (Laying down cards)
I claim the rest. Making three No-Trump. . . . Proving the adage:
Even a blind squirrel gathers some nuts.
EAST
Seems to me, you go up—you cover the first Spade, you “gather”
a couple extra “nuts”. Seems to me, you could use a couple nuts.
. . . You got something’ ‘gainst over-tricks?
WEST scores the hand. Players return their hands to tray.
WEST
I was afraid that Jack of Spades lead was the top of a five-card suit
—since he didn’t bid it, I assumed he didn’t have the Ace. . . . Oh,
you’re quite right. We’ll get a middle to low board on this—and I
was Howard the—No, I was Noel the Coward on this one—and there
is no joy in safety—but after all, not bad for bidding blind—eh, partner?
BEATS.
SOUTH
Assholes.
BLACKOUT.
AT RISE: HAND 14 is on TVs. All four are in their places, and a single duplicate tray is in the center of the table. EAST & SOUTH smoke cigarettes. NORTH is listening to WEST.
HAND 14: NORTH (D)
SP: 9,3
HT: 10, 8
DI: A,K,J,9,6,5,2
CB: K,9
WEST EAST
SP: A,8,6,2 SP: Q,7,4
HT: A,Q,9,5,2 HT: 7,4,3
DI: Q,7,4 N-S Vulnerable DI: 8
CB: A CB: 8,6,5,4,3,2
SOUTH
SP: K,J,10,5
HT: K,J,6
DI: 10,3
CB: Q,J,10,7
WEST
. . . None of them was very good. . . . (To East) Give us a huff. . . .
EAST
You want a cigarette?
WEST
Just a huff.
EAST taps a cigarette out of pack and extends it to WEST.
EAST
Here.
WEST (Taking cigarette)
They were young. That was their sole asset.
EAST lights WEST’s cigarette.
SOUTH
Just use the floor. I gotta sweep anyways.
WEST
And they were morally without rudder. . . . Or anchor. . . .
They drifted from fad to fashion to farce—but always dour,
grimly self-absorbed. . . . Nothing was so important as their
latest T-cell count. Their viral-load. . . . How it affected their
medication. . . . It was the worst sort of addiction—purely
mechanistic, without anticipation of euphoria or grace or well-being.
. . . Just stupid gratification measured by the growing or shrinking
of the proximity of death.
NORTH
You didn’t like these people.
WEST
That’s just it. I loved “these people.” . . . These people were boys
—young men. . . . I dearly loved them.
SOUTH
You’re their teacher.
WEST
Only . . . yes. At University. Yes.
EAST
And you loved ‘em, huh? . . . Hey, I’m just askin’.
WEST
Yes. . . . Their o’erweening concern with calling attention to
themselves. . . . Artless . . . Guileless . . . But graceless . . .
They were neither blown wildly by inspiration nor frozen in
some studied formalism. . . . And it’s not that they were bad
writers. Some of them were quite good, quite successful for
their age—for any age, really—some of them. Published in
the real world, some of them.
NORTH
They had some money, I’ll bet.
WEST
Yes, they did.
EAST
More’n you, I’ll bet—some a them.
BEATS.
WEST
More than I. . . . They thought they could laugh at their morbid
pre-occupations—masters of wit, of biting wit—they thought
humor would ingratiate them—would demonstrate how comfortable
they had become with their moribund lives. Laughing at the lesions
while gulping down this month’s miracle cure—a cure for symptoms
they, as yet, most of them, only coveted in others—others more
experienced in the art of dying ‘in one’.
SOUTH
These guys were all dyin’?
WEST
No, no, . . . that was their tragedy. They were not dying.
But their bourgeois sensibilities were screaming at them that
they must, or be unfit for the identities they had so scrupulously
constructed for themselves. . . . With their infantile notions of
History and psycho-biography—their microcosmic egos—their
enormous sense of their own authority—and none but the most
anti-social, uncritical, self-validating aesthetics—no sense of
aesthetic-distance—you know, when Keats wrote an elegy to a
close friend, he wrote it in Latin. He needed a strange language
to keep him from prurient, self-indulgent, apologetic sentimentality.
EAST
Well, so far, I don’ know any a these guys.
NORTH
(To East) Hey, shut up.
SOUTH
Yeah, shut up. So . . . you killed ‘em?
WEST
As their . . . teacher, . . . it seemed the only way I could help them
reach their goals—or maximize their potential. Which is it? . . .
I couldn’t bear the thought of their infecting generations to come
with their sublimated self-loathings.
SOUTH
Man, you must a really hated these guys.
EAST
I bet you fucked one er two of ‘em, huh?
(To North) Don’t you think?
NORTH
Oh my.
WEST
(To North) What say we play this hand?
NORTH takes his cards from tray, then others do likewise. They arrange their hands.
SOUTH
You must really hate young men.
WEST
That’s not true.
SOUTH (Chuckling)
You don’t hate me, do ya?
WEST
No, I don’t hate you.
NORTH
Bid one Diamond.
EAST
(To West) You don’t hate me, do ya? . . . Pass.
SOUTH
Huh, . . . one Spade.
BEATS.
WEST
Two Hearts.
NORTH
Three . . . Diamonds.
BEATS.
EAST
(To West) What, you’re not gonna make some crack ‘bout
him ‘n’ his diamonds? . . . We can put this on pause you need
some time to get your head right.
WEST
I’m fine . . . fine.
EAST
I pass.
SOUTH
Three No-trump.
BEATS.
SOUTH
(To West) You gonna double me?
WEST
I pass. . . . It’s my lead, right?
WEST plays five of Hearts. NORTH puts down dummy.
SOUTH
(To North) Play the eight a Hearts.
NORTH plays eight of Hearts from dummy. EAST plays a small Heart. They arrange cards: N-S up, E-W down.
SOUTH
Geez, the eight holds it. . . . Lessee, on the board.
(To North) Play the King a Clubs.
NORTH takes the King of Clubs off the board. EAST plays a small Club. SOUTH plays the seven of Clubs. WEST drops the Ace of Clubs.
WEST
You paid unnecessarily for this—never mind.
They arrange cards: N-S down, E-W up.
WEST (Playing seven of Diamonds)
It’s always to weakness and through strength. . . . Here’s a
Diamond for your collection.
SOUTH
(To North) Play the King a Diamonds.
NORTH takes King of Diamonds off the board. EAST plays the eight of Diamonds. SOUTH plays the three of Diamonds. They arrange cards: N-S up, E-W down.
SOUTH
(To North) Play the nine a Spades.
NORTH takes Spade off the board.
EAST
(To South) You drop some acid? You’re all over the place.
I don’t see a plan. . . . Guess I better cover that.
EAST plays the Queen of Spades.
SOUTH (Playing King of Spades)
And I’ll cover that.
WEST (Playing low Spade)
(To South) It’s your trick.
They arrange cards: N-S up, E-W down.
SOUTH
I’m in my hand with the King a Spades.
(Playing Jack of Spades) Let’s flush that Ace.
WEST (Playing the Ace of Spades)
You crafty bounder, you.
SOUTH
(To North) And the Spade.
NORTH takes last Spade off the board. EAST plays the four of Spades. They arrange cards: N-S down, E-W up.
WEST (Playing the four of Diamonds)
Mine with the Ace . . . just a poor creature of habit. Another
glimmering jewel for you.
SOUTH
Fuck. . . . (Ind. East) If he’s got the Queen, I’m thoroughly fucked.
(To North) Come up with the Ace.
NORTH takes the Ace of Diamonds off the board. EAST sluffs a Club.
WEST
(To East) No Diamonds, partner?
EAST
Not even a little chronic zirconium.
SOUTH plays a small Diamond. They arrange cards: N-S up, E-W down.
SOUTH
(To North) Play the nine a Clubs.
NORTH takes Club off the board. EAST plays small Club. SOUTH plays Queen of Clubs. WEST sluffs a Heart. They arrange cards: N-S up, E-W down.
SOUTH
Yeah, I see. The Ace stiff.
EAST
(To West) No more Clubs, pahtnah?
WEST
The Ace was quite lonely.
SOUTH
This is really getting’ thick. . . . (To West) You sure you
don’t hate me?
WEST
Quite the contrary, I think you’re a lovely boy.
EAST
‘M’on, let’s cut this shit. Play bridge.
SOUTH (Playing the Jack of Clubs)
I know this is good.
WEST
Is it getting close in here, or is it me?
WEST sluffs a Heart.
SOUTH
(To North) Burn a Diamond.
NORTH takes a Diamond off the board. EAST plays a small Club. They arrange cards: N-S up, E-W down.
Their current holdings appear on the VIDEO MONITORS as:
HAND 14: NORTH (6 up, 2 down)
SP: _______
HT: 10
DI: J,9,6,5
CB: _______
WEST (2 up, 6 down) EAST (2 up, 6 down)
SP: 8,6 SP: 7
HT: A,Q HT: 7,4
DI: Q DI: ______
CB: ______ CB: 8,6
SOUTH (6 up, 2 down)
SP: 10,5
HT: K,J
DI: ______
CB: 10
WEST
(To South) You know what I have in my hand, don’t you?
You know just what to lead. You should.
SOUTH
I don’t know shit. All I can see in my head is big piles a cards.
All messed up together.
NORTH
Come on, partner. It’s all yours. You can make this hand.
EAST
‘S only thirteen cards to keep track of.
NORTH
Thirteen cards in four suits.
WEST
Thirteen cards in four suits in four hands.
EAST
Well . . . think about ‘em in black and red. . . . Twenty-six black
ones and twenty-six red ones. . . . Most of ‘em are gone—only five
cards in play.
NORTH
Twenty cards in play.
EAST
Well, he can see half of ‘em.
NORTH
So can you. Leave ‘im alone, let ‘im play.
WEST
(To South) You know how to play this game very well.
You know just what to do.
SOUTH (Playing the ten of Clubs)
I know this Club is boss, but—
WEST
That’s right. That’s exactly right. Now you’re really squeezing me.
If I give up the Queen of Diamonds, you end play me with Spades.
. . . Well . . . I really should concede it, but it’ll do you good to play
it out. . . . So here, the Queen of Hearts.
WEST plays the Queen of Hearts.
SOUTH
The board’s dead.
EAST
Fuck, so am I.
WEST & SOUTH arrange cards: S up, W down.
SOUTH (Playing the Jack of Hearts)
Okay, so my Jack should bring your Ace a Hearts.
WEST (Playing the Ace of Hearts)
That’s right. And after I get my Queen of Diamonds, I must put
you in with a Spade so—
SOUTH (Putting down his hand)
—so my King a Hearts is my ninth trick. I made the hand.
WEST
Yes you did. Nicely played. Very nicely played, indeed.
WEST scores the hand as NORTH & EAST return their cards to the tray. SOUTH lingers over his cards.
NORTH
That was somethin’, way you played that—watchin’ you play that
—was somethin’. That squeeze play—end play, whatever.
WEST
Yes, very well played.
BEATS. EAST offers WEST a cigarette. WEST refuses.
EAST
A carton to a pack somebody makes the overtricks. . . .
What you guys got ‘gainst overtricks? . . . Somebody finesses
the Queen a Diamonds—they set up their Club winners then they
finesse (Ind. West) you for the Queen a Diamonds.
WEST is sticking the score card into the tray.
EAST
(To West) Anybody do that yet? Anybody make the overtricks?
BEATS.
WEST
Yeah. They did.
BLACKOUT.
AT RISE: HAND 15 is on MONITORS. EAST & WEST are in their places. The North and South chairs are empty. EAST smokes.
HAND 15: NORTH (D)
SP: K,4
HT: A,Q,J,8,7
DI: Q,4
CB: A,7,5,2
WEST EAST
SP: Q,9,8,5,3 SP: 10,7
HT: 6,5 HT: K,4,2
DI: K,J N-S Vulnerable DI: A,10,8,5
CB: K,10,8,4 CB: J,9,6,3
SOUTH
SP: A,J,6,2
HT: 10,9,3
DI: 9,7,6,3,2
CB: Q
EAST
Yeah. . . . What I’m sayin’ is, they didn’t charge me with that.
. . . They couldn’t even file ‘em, cause they wasn’t even priors,
see? . . . And yeah, I’m guilty a those, but that’s not what I’m in
here for. . . . See, they couldn’t prove it was my gun killed that
policeman. Didn’t even try. It was that Pakistani’s gun killed him
—it was a crossfire—hell, I was just tryin’ t’keep my head down,
get outta there alive—fuck that towel-head’s money!—motherfucker
was trying to kill me. . . . That cop come in all cowboy. Man, it
was perfect—didn’t even know they was hit ‘til they couldn’t shoot
no more. . . . I was hunkered down over by the coffee—it was funny
as hell—I’d a laughed my ass off, I hadn’t been so fuckin’ scared. . . .
So the cop killed the Pakistani. The Pakistani killed the cop. I was
just sittin’ there with my chickenshit little .25—fuckin’ Creamora
and shit all over me. . . . They get me for killin’ the cop. . . .
Well, fuck! . . . So I gotta hope Lady Justice has herself another
miscarriage an’ squirts me right out her wrinkled old rectum into life-
without. . . . I guess I can forget ‘bout ever getting’ out—what with
all those silent beefs. . . . But hell, could happen. . . . It won’t, but it
could.
NORTH & SOUTH enter and take their places.
WEST
WHENEVER you’re ready.
SOUTH
It’s getting’ to be that time again. . . . Mainline’s buzzin’.
NORTH
Just got refused.
EAST
Welcome to the club. . . . Least now you got nothin’ to wait for.
WEST
Nothing, indeed.
SOUTH
Chrissie and her girlfriend—you know, Tiny’s old lady, and
her girlfriend—dig this—you know, she tried to get Tiny’s
body released to her cause she was his wife.
WEST
Why don’t we just play this hand. (To North) Your deal.
SOUTH
No, but this is how lame Dummy—these fuckin’ administration
—how fucked they are. . . . (Ind. North) I was tellin’ him. . . .
Well, Dummy wouldn’t release Tiny’s body to her. So Chrissie
and her girlfriend go over to the graveyard this one night and dig
Tiny up. . . . Just for a last look, you know. . . .
EAST
That’s fuckin’ touching is what that is.
NORTH takes his cards from duplicate tray. The others do the same. All arrange their hands.
SOUTH
No, but, listen to this. When they got him dug up—Chrissie and
her friend—Tiny’s still got the butt plug in—you know, so’s you
don’t shit all over their nice clean slab when the juice hits ya—
he’s still got the plug in his ass, and they just took and broke off
the catheter in his dick. . . . Just broke it off . . . in his dick.
That a cold motherfuckin’ shot?
WEST
(To South, ind. North) I’m sure he found that story—as we all
did—quite cheering.
NORTH
Yeah. . . . One Heart.
SOUTH
Hey, it’s just what it is.
EAST
(To South) Sometimes, you tell stories like—I know you’re a
convict—you’re just like us—in a lot a ways—but (ind. North)
my man, here, just got denied—he’s sittin’ right next to the door
—you’re talking ‘bout the mainline buzzin’ like they getting’ ready
to do one—then you talk ‘bout them leavin’ the plug in Tiny’s ass—
I gotta think you ain’t sensitive enough to our sichiation. . . .
Sometimes you seem ‘bout as sensitive as Dummy. You know what
I’m sayin’? . . . Fuck, I pass.
SOUTH
I guess I just don’t believe none a you guys’re goin’ is all.
. . . Shit, I don’t know. . . . Shit.
WEST
(To South) Never mind. Just bid. . . . It’s one Heart, pass,
to you.
SOUTH
I’m sorry. Shit. . . . Two Hearts.
WEST
I quite concur. I don’t believe any of us is going to go, either.
And I pass.
NORTH
Somebody is. It’s just like before. . . . Four Hearts.
EAST
Just pray for that miscarriage. Pass.
SOUTH
Hey, I’m . . . I pass.
WEST
And I pass. Four Hearts. Who opened the Hearts?
(To North) You did. So it’s your lead, partner.
EAST (Slapping down card)
Le’’s lead ‘em from the top. Ten a Spades.
SOUTH puts down dummy.
NORTH
(To South) Play the Jack.
SOUTH takes the Jack of Spades off the board.
WEST (Playing the Queen of Spades)
Honor on honor.
NORTH (Playing the King of Spades)
Honor on honor.
They arrange cards: N-S up, E-W down.
NORTH
In my hand.
NORTH plays the Ace of Clubs.
NORTH
(To South) Play the Queen a Clubs.
EAST plays a small Club. WEST plays a small Club. They arrange cards: N-S up, E-W down.
NORTH (Playing small Club)
(To South) Play Ace a Spades.
SOUTH takes Ace of Spades off the board. WEST plays a small Spade. NORTH plays the four of Spades. EAST plays his last Spade. They arrange cards: N-S up, E-W down.
NORTH
(To South) Play small Spade.
SOUTH takes small Spade off the board. WEST plays a Spade. NORTH ruffs with a small Heart.
EAST (Slapping card on table)
Don’t be sendin’ a boy when you need a man.
They arrange cards: N-S down, E-W up.
EAST (Slapping card on table)
Let’s get those trumps off the table.
NORTH
(To South) Play the ten or the nine. Don’t matter.
SOUTH takes Heart off the board. WEST plays small Heart. NORTH plays high Heart. They arrange cards: N-S up, E-W down.
NORTH (Playing the four of Diamonds)
Well, it looks like no matter what I do, I’m down.
EAST (Playing small Diamond)
Second hand low.
NORTH
(To South) Small Diamond.
SOUTH takes small Diamond off the board.
WEST (Playing the King of Diamonds)
You must lose . . . two, am I right? . . . two of your precious
Diamonds.
They arrange cards: N-S down, E-W up.
WEST (Playing his other Diamond)
Two Diamonds and . . .
NORTH (Playing the Queen of Diamonds)
I got two Club losers and only one trump left on the board.
EAST (Slapping down the Ace)
Yeah. Down one. Sounds right t’me.
Players show one another their remaining cards.
WEST
Down just one.
NORTH
I got a feelin’ I make I come up ‘ith the Ace a Spades first trick.
Save that King a Spades to get back to my hand. . . . I don’t know,
my mind’s not in the game, you know. My thinkin’s all confused.
EAST
(Ind. South) You keep listenin’ to this boy’s stories, you gonna
think yourself to death.
SOUTH
(To East) What’re you talkin’ ‘bout?
(To North) Your thinkin’s fine. You come up on trick one—take
that Ace on the board, you’re home and in bed sleepin’.
WEST
(To North, ind. South) He’s right, you know. You really must come
up with the Ace of Spades. . . . But you must also trump high—with
the Ace—when you first trump Spades. So my partner can’t over-trump.
. . . You have to watch out for my partner.
BLACKOUT.
AT RISE: HAND 16 is on MONITORS. Again, EAST & WEST are in their places, EAST smoking. The North & South chairs are empty. The duplicate tray is in the center of the table.
HAND 16: NORTH (D)
SP: A,10
HT: J,6
DI: A,K,9,7,6,4,2
CB: A,5
WEST EAST
SP: Q,9,7,5,4 SP: 6,2
HT: 10,9,3 HT: 7,4
DI: 5 Neither Vulnerable DI: Q,J,10,8,3
CB: K,J,7,2 CB: 10,9,4,3
SOUTH
SP: K,J,8,3
HT: A,K,Q,8,5,2
DI: None
CB: Q,8,6
EAST
I don’t know why. We’d be locked down they’d taken ‘im to
the Green Room. . . . They’d taken anybody.
WEST
I’m very surprised—pleasantly surprised—we get to play today.
What with the mood of this place. . . . It’s exceedingly strange,
these two not here again.
EAST
Maybe they’re down to Our Lady a Concrete ‘n’ Steel snivelin’
to that poop-butt chaplain.
WEST
They’re not taking this well, at all.
EAST
They just don’t make convicts like they used to.
WEST
No one wants to die.
NORTH & SOUTH enter and take their places.
BEATS.
NORTH
Didn’t think we were gonna play today.
SOUTH
Yeah.
BEATS.
EAST
Well . . . here we are.
BEATS.
SOUTH
I dunno what’s happenin’ . . . Squires ‘n’ Dummy’re in
a real big hurry ‘bout somethin’.
NORTH
Yeah.
BEATS.
EAST
Hey, fuck those punks.
BEATS.
WEST
(To North) It’s your start.
BEATS.
NORTH
Yeah.
NORTH takes his cards from tray, the others do likewise. They arrange their hands.
NORTH
It’s good seein’ these cards.
EAST
I bet it is, looks a my hand.
SOUTH
Startin’ to stink on the mainline.
WEST
The worst thing about this place, I think—worse than the food or
the water—is the air.
NORTH
I’ll open, bid one Club.
EAST
This hand looks like a foot.
SOUTH
Wow . . . one Heart.
WEST
(To East) It’s been a while. . . . Pass.
NORTH
One Spade.
EAST
Pass.
SOUTH
Two Clubs.
WEST
My god. Pass.
NORTH
Two Diamonds.
EAST
Pass. . . . The fuck you guys doin’?
SOUTH
Three Clubs.
WEST
Relay bids? Pass.
NORTH
Three Hearts.
EAST
Relay bids? Pass.
SOUTH
Three Spades.
WEST
Must be. Pass.
NORTH
Four Clubs.
EAST
Pass.
SOUTH
Four Diamonds.
WEST
Beautiful. Pass.
NORTH
Four No-trump.
EAST
Jesus, pass.
SOUTH
Five Spades.
WEST
San Francisco System?
NORTH
Roman Key-Card Blackwood.
WEST
Well, Roman conventions now. Pass.
NORTH
Seven Hearts.
EAST
Fuck you AND your Roman Blackwood. Pass.
SOUTH
Pass.
WEST
Oh yes, I pass. . . . Should I review the bidding?
EAST
Fuck no! I’d rather walk into the Green Room ‘n hear
that shit again. . . . (Ind. North) His Hearts, right? My lead?
SOUTH
No, my Hearts.
WEST
My lead. . . . Well, when in doubt—
WEST plays the three of Hearts. NORTH puts down dummy.
SOUTH
(To North) Play small trump.
NORTH takes the six of hearts off the board. EAST plays the four of Hearts. SOUTH wins with the Queen. They arrange cards: N-S up, E-W down.
SOUTH (Playing small Heart)
In my hand going to the Jack a trump on the board.
NORTH pulls the Jack of Hearts off the board. WEST plays the nine of Hearts. EAST plays the seven of Hearts. They arrange cards: N-S up, E-W down.
SOUTH
(To North) Play small Diamond.
NORTH takes two of Diamonds off the board.
EAST (Slapping down the three)
Cover that big motherfucker.
SOUTH trumps with the five of Hearts. WEST plays the stiff five of Diamonds. They arrange cards: N-S up, E-W down.
SOUTH
So now I’m in my hand with the trump. . . .
One more Heart out. . . . Let’s get it.
SOUTH plays the Ace of Hearts (trumps). WEST plays his last Heart (the ten).
SOUTH
(To North) Burn the five a Clubs.
NORTH takes the Club five off the board. EAST sluffs the three of Clubs. They arrange cards: N-S up, E-W down.
SOUTH
Still in my hand. . . . Get to the board with . . . a . . . Spade—
no, no, no, a Club.
SOUTH plays the six of Clubs from his hand. NORTH takes the Ace of Clubs off the board. WEST plays the deuce of Clubs, EAST plays the four of Clubs. They arrange cards: N-S up, E-W down.
SOUTH
(To North) Now, play the Ace a Diamonds so I can dump
this Club.
NORTH takes the Ace of Diamonds off the board. SOUTH drops the eight of Clubs from his hand. EAST plays the eight of Diamonds. WEST sluffs the four of Spades. They arrange cards: N-S up, E-W down.
SOUTH
Diamonds figgered to break like ‘at. Shit. . . .
On the board, right?
WEST
With the Ace of Diamonds. You’re doing very well.
EAST
Aw, Jesus.
SOUTH
(To North) Play small Diamond.
NORTH takes the four of Diamonds off the board.
EAST (Slapping down ten of Diamonds)
Cover that fucker, too.
SOUTH (Slapping down ten of Diamonds)
Okay, I gotta trump that.
WEST sluffs another Spade (the five). They arrange cards: N-S up, E-W down.
SOUTH
Okay, okay, okay, . . . go to the board. In my hand.
SOUTH plays the three of Spades. WEST plays the seven of Spades.
SEVERAL BEATS.
SOUTH
(To North) Play the ten a Spades.
NORTH takes the ten of Spades off the board. EAST drops the deuce of Spades.
SOUTH
Thank you, Jesus.
EAST
Don’t look at me.
They arrange the cards: N-S up, E-W down.
SEVERAL BEATS.
SOUTH
God, I think I got this. . . . (To North) Play the seven a Diamonds.
NORTH takes the seven of Diamonds off the board.
EAST (Slapping down the Jack)
I’m coverin’ all those fuckers.
SOUTH (Slapping down the Heart King)
And I’m trumpin’ ‘em.
WEST sluffs the seven of Clubs. They arrange cards: N-S up, E-W down.
SOUTH (Showing his last three)
I got a Spade to the Ace on the board and two good Diamonds there.
. . . Made the slam.
WEST
The grand slam.
SOUTH
Grand slam.
NORTH
Nice.
EAST
Yeah.
SOUTH
Boy . . . I’ll remember that hand as long as I live, damn.
EAST
Yeah.
WEST laughs for a moment. SILENCE.
BLACKOUT.
AT RISE: HAND 17 is on TV MONITORS. None of the players is on stage. The chairs are empty. The table has a duplicate tray in the center.
HAND 17: NORTH
SP: 6,5,3
HT: A,J,7,4,2
DI: 7,5,2
CB: 6,3
WEST (D) EAST
SP: A,7,2 SP: K,Q,J,10
HT: 8,6 HT: 9
DI: Q,9,6,3 Both Vulnerable DI: J,10,8,4
CB: K,9,7,2 CB: 10,8,A5,4
SOUTH
SP: 9,8,4
HT: K,Q,10,5,3
DI: A,K
CB: A,Q,J
A LONG MOMENT.
SOUTH enters smoking a cigarette and carrying a push broom. He sweeps aimlessly for a FEW MOMENTS. He crosses to table and stares at duplicate tray for a LONG MOMENT. Then he exits.
BLACKOUT.
AT RISE: HAND 18 is on MONITORS. SOUTH is alone on stage sitting in NORTH’s chair. He is smoking and staring at two duplicate trays stacked in the center of the table. His push broom is leaning against L wall.
HAND 18: NORTH (D)
SP: J
HT: Q,9,4,2
DI: K,Q,10,4,2
CB: A,Q,6
WEST EAST
SP: A,K,9,5,2 SP: 10,7,6,4
HT: K,J,10 HT: 7,3
DI: A,7,3 Both Vulnerable DI: 9,5
CB: 10,4 CB: 9,8,7,5,2
SOUTH
SP: Q,8,3
HT: A,8,6,5
DI: J,8,6
CB: K,J,3
SOUTH finishes his cigarette staring at the duplicate trays. He tosses it on the floor far from the table. He gets up, walks completely around the table pausing at each chair, walks to the cigarette and crushes it with his foot. He then exits.
SEVERAL BEATS.
BLACKOUT.
AT RISE: HAND 19 is on the VIDEO MONITORS. Again, SOUTH is alone on stage seated in the North chair. He is smoking a cigarette and staring at the pile of three duplicate trays in the center of the table. His push broom is still leaning against the L wall.
HAND 19: NORTH
SP: Q,J,10
HT: 6,4
DI: A,K,J,3
CB: A,8,5,2
WEST EAST (D)
SP: 4,2 SP: 7,6,5
HT: A,Q,J,9,3 HT: 10,8
DI: 9,6 Both Vulnerable DI: Q,10,8,5
CB: K,Q,10,4 CB: J,9,7,3
SOUTH
SP: A,K,9,8,3
HT: K,7,5,2
DI: 7,4,2
CB: 6
SOUTH stares at duplicate trays for a LONG MOMENT.
Finally, he reaches for the top tray and takes a hand from it. He fans the cards and begins to arrange them.
He studies the hand for SEVERAL BEATS.
He continues to smoke. Finally he throws the hand into the middle of the room. Immediately he reaches for another hand from the top tray and takes it out. He fans the cards and arranges the hand.
Still smoking, he studies the hand for SEVERAL BEATS.
Finally, he throws this hand into the middle of the room where he has thrown the previous hand.
He repeats this with the two hands remaining in the top duplicate tray (which he sets aside on the table when it is empty): smoking while studying each hand for SEVERAL BEATS then throwing the hand into the middle of the room.
With growing intensity and quickening pace, he begins the same procedure with the second duplicate tray in the pile.
After the first two hands from the second tray, he no longer studies the hands but merely arranges them then casts them into the room.
After the second tray is empty, he picks it up along with the first tray and throws both trays onto the pile of cards.
He then takes the cards from the third tray and without even looking at them throws them onto the pile.
After the first hand or two have been discarded, he throws his cigarette onto the pile; then the remaining cards; and finally the last duplicate tray.
SEVERAL BEATS.
Finally he rises, goes to his push broom, takes it and sweeps the pile out the DOOR UL.
NOTE: During this scene, HAND 19 disappears from the MONITORS.
BLACKOUT.
AT RISE: UP ON VIDEO MONITORS ONLY, the rest of the room remains in darkness.
On MONITORS appear IMAGES (still or motion pictures) of corporeal violations, penetrations, mutilations and eventual ritualistic death.
Suggested are EXTREME CLOSE-UPS of body parts:
And area around the calf or ankle being shaved to facilitate the attachment of
an electrode.
A head being shaved for similar purposes.
An anus being shaved, and a butt-plug being inserted.
A male pubic area being shaved, and the insertion of a catheter.
A mouth from which teeth are being extracted.
A mouth being forced to accept a rubber mouth-piece.
A throat being slit.
An eye-ball being slit.
A face being tattooed with tear drops.
An ear being pierced; a nose being pierced; a tongue being pierced; etc.
An anus receiving a Coke bottle.
An adult foreskin being held open with forceps in preparation for circumcision.
A scalpel poised between the scrotum and thigh in preparation for a cut-away into
the femoral artery.
A large hypodermic needle piercing the flesh. (Repeat ad nauseam)
A wrist, an ankle, a torso being restrained with leather straps.
A corpse on a white sheet.
A corpse on a metal draining autopsy table.
Various faces of death.
(ALL THESE IMAGES SHOULD BE BLOODLESS)
Finally a ritualistic hanging suggesting suicide, with all incumbent auto-erotica.
All this should be accompanied by suitable music.
BLACKOUT.
AT RISE: HAND 20 is on the VIDEO MONITORS. The stage is empty but for the card table and four chairs. There is a single duplicate tray in the center of the table.
HAND 20: NORTH
SP: 9,5
HT: Q,10,6,4,2
DI: J,6
CB: J,10,8,6
WEST (D) EAST
SP: 7,4,2 SP: J,8
HT: A,J,9,5 HT: K,8,7,3
DI: K,8,7,5,3 Both Vulnerable DI: 2
CB: 4 CB: K,Q,9,7,3,2
SOUTH
SP: A,K,Q,10,6,3
HT: None
DI: A,Q,10,9,4
CB: A,5
The stage remains empty for SEVERAL MOMENTS.
NORTH enters and crosses immediately and takes his place at the table.
After SEVERAL BEATS, EAST enters. He is smoking and crosses extreme DR without acknowledging NORTH.
A LONG MOMENT and WEST enters a few paces into the room and holds.
NORTH & WEST exchange a LOOK. EAST does not acknowledge either.
AN EXTREMELY LONG MOMENT.
WEST takes his place at the table. EAST remains on his own.
SEVERAL BEATS and EAST turns toward table, dropping his cigarette and stepping on it.
SOUTH enters and holds in doorway. BEATS.
SOUTH takes his place at table.
EAST takes his place at table.
All inspect duplicate tray in center of table.
WEST
It’s mine.
WEST takes his hand from tray. Others do the same. They arrange their hands in SILENCE.
SEVERAL BEATS.
WEST
I pass.
SEVERAL BEATS.
NORTH
I pass.
SEVERAL BEATS.
EAST
Pass.
SEVERAL BEATS.
SOUTH
I pass.
SEVERAL BEATS.
BLACKOUT.
END OF PLAY
